Unlike many of my friends in my age that have children but were not prepare to have one, I was totally prepared to have a baby. In fact one of the reason I got married with my husband was to have a baby (why else would I get married to someone I was living with?).
I’m the youngest child in my family with 7 and 8 years difference with my siblings, so before I gave birth to my child I was lucky to have 3 nieces and 1 nephew. I saw them grow, I saw my sister dealing with them, and was totally informed about motherhood, with all the struggles and beauties it brings. So yes I was totally prepared.
Although, honestly the mom I thought I would be and the mom I am today are not the same. I wanted to be a perfect mother, who’s child will be in love with; I wanted to be a role model for my sisters (whom I used to judge a lot), my friends and all the world; I wanted to be the mom that my child would come to me first both for good and bad.. But instead I become a mother of discipline, whose child runs first at her dad or grandma for everything. I become a punishing, yelling mother. I become anything but a loving mother. And yet I’m proud of it, because I love my child unselfishly.
My daughter with two years old only knows to speak fluently her mother tongue and is learning both English (quite fast) and Turkish language (a bit slower – because I’m pushing her more towards learning the English language). She’s knows not only counting, but she know to count things and she knows that 1 thing and another thing make two things (basics of math). Her reasoning is fascinating, and trust me I couldn’t be prouder than that. I don’t want to take all the merits, because her adorable father works with her too, her loving grandma and loving kindergarten teachers also, but I know for sure a big portion of merits for her development belongs to me.
I’m proud to be her mother and I’m proud of who I am. I’m proud of a mother I become because to me is more important to have a clever, independent and happy child than being a loving mother. For me is more important for her to have a long, healthy, happy life than to love me the most. To me is more important to celebrate her achievements rather than to be adored by her, because deep inside I know there will come a day when she will understand my approach and will thank me, just like I thank my mother every day. I thank her every single day for not showing me her unconditional love (the way I wanted to) but instead taught me about real life. I thank her for teaching me how to survive in good and bad; I thank her for teaching me the meaning of love, happiness and life itself.
Today I am happy because she taught me to be. I thank her for teaching me how to become a good mother, a mother that one day my child will be proud of, because to me my angelic daughter is a living message I will send in time.. and I really want the message to be as perfect as it can be.