Feeling guilty

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There was a time when I was in a relationship, in which I was never fully happy, but yet I loved the person I was with. I can’t say I was in love, not at all, but I did love him.. as a friend maybe, or as someone I was used to share my life with, I don’t know exactly.. I just know I loved him and he was very special to me.

Nevertheless, there was a time I realized I didn’t want to continue like this anymore. I loved him, but not enough to spend the rest of my life with him. I loved him but not enough to create my family with him.. I loved him but not enough to never cheat on him.. so I decided to quit this relationship. No matter how painful it might have been for all of us: me – him, our families and friends, this was my final decision and I stuck to it. Today, when I look back in time, I never regret honestly, but I always feel a bit guilty..

I feel guilty for his pain.. I feel guilty for prolonging so many years a decision I always knew I will make.. I feel guilty for breaking so many hearts..

Not long after our split, his mother who loved me and the idea of us, got sick and not long after she died, and I feel guilty for it. It might not have been because of me, but yet I feel guilty.

I feel guilty for him not being able to finish his studies, because I was his pusher, his motivater, and suddenly I left him in the middle of the cross-road with lots of traffic.

Two years ago he got married, and I was happy, but then I heard they can’t have a child, and I feel guilty for it. Was it because of me that he got drunk and high for so many times, that today he can’t have children.. I don’t know for sure, but still I feel very much guilty..

Yesterday, I was told, he became a drug dealer, and my heart was broken into a million pieces.. Was it because of me?

I feel guilty for everything.. Some people are saying I don’t have to be, because he was smart enough to choose his path, but I can’t be so calm, because I know if we were together he would haven been better.. he would continue to be a good person that everyone loved to hang with.. he would be a happy person trying for his success.. but on the other hand I also know I personally would never be happy.. I would be dying inside every time I would look at us. I would be making sins instead of him.. and I chose me.. I was selfish I know…and  I feel guilty for it, but what’s even worse, I would chose me and my current life all over again

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