All posts by rudinahp

About rudinahp

Hello everyone, I’m Rudina, 29 years old. I hold a BSc degree on Entrepreneurship and MA on Business Administration and Management. Used to work (and still do occasionally) as a professional researcher in different NGOs worldwide, whereas currently I work as a Tariff Expert in both Electricity Supply and Distribution Company in Kosovo. I’m also a proud Mommy of a very beautiful daughter named Bora (meaning Snow in Albanian). As you may understand I’m happily married and very much in love. I blog because I’m in love with writing. I do read a lot, talk a lot and have a need to write ‘a lot’. That's it from me, come and visit my blog and learn more about me and my views on 'everything'

The anxiety that nobody understands

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I might have told you several times until now about my depression after almost a year after my daughter was born, as you might know it was not related to the fact that my life has changed, but rather to the fact that she was a very crying baby. Hearing you child crying all the time, going though different medical test (to see why she was crying all the time) was not easy. Thankfully that time has passed.

Now with my second pregnancy I was happy almost all of the time. I had too much love and happiness to spread around. Yet, as my time to go into labor is approaching I started to feel anxious. The more I move forward the more something is pushing me backwards into anxiety and fear, and the worst part of it is that nobody understands it.

I had a little fight with my husband today.  I know he is scared just to think that I might go back where I once was, but telling me ‘now you are more prepared’ it doesn’t help, nor it helps telling me ‘now it’s easier because you’ll have enough maternity leave’. I know I’m more prepared, I know it easier for me having a chance to rest whenever the baby sleeps, but I also am aware that I have another child I have to deal with – and no matter how much I try to prepare my daughter I can see and feel the pain and fear she’s passing through these times. I’m not saying feeling the way I feel is the right way, but I can’t pretend that nothing will change and that everything will be easy this time.

I know and I’m aware I have a happy life outside of anxiety and that I am incredibly fortunate to have everything I have: healthy, happy supportive family, a good job and financial stability, our personal home, professional education good friends, and other opportunities. But despite all of this, the anxiety refuses to go away, and with time it gets bigger. It scare me only to think that I might go back again there, because NOW I don’t have that luxury anymore since my daughter is big enough to understand when something is wrong and I want nothing more than to see her smiley and happy. It scares me to death and nobody understands me.

I try not to think about it but as the time of delivery approaches the thoughts run in my head like fast volcano that burns everything on its way. I try to engage myself with lots of things, I try to do everything on my own no matter how heavy I’ve become just to keep myself busy, but still in everything I do I see my thoughts like I’m looking at a mirror. I am a happy person and this feeling makes me depressed even more but sometimes I can’t help it.

Of course I’m aware this is a passing stage and thankfully I don’t have anxiety disorders, but overthinking at this stage is exhausting enough. My thought have become my worries and my worries my anxiety. I know my husband doesn’t understand me, but somewhere out there I know there’s a pregnant mother who feels the same and I just want to tell “You’re not alone”, and by telling her she’s not alone I need to know also that I’M NOT ALONE too.

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When a song reminds you of a special feeling

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I don’t know about you but I have many songs that remind me of very special moments. Yet, the song “If I ain’t got you” by Alicia Keys is one of my favorite songs, because it reminds me the hard times me and my husband had to pass to be together.

We both share histories from our past. His one is a sad one, whereas mine is a troubled one. And in fact if we analyze how we got together, it was our histories that connected us. Both of our problems/sadness began at the same time, and somehow we needed to be together (we were colleagues and friends before we got together).

It was a night in spring 2009 when I went out for a drink, and there was live music. I was at my parent’s house who live in another city. I don’t know why but the singer sang more than three times this song, and somehow I couldn’t stop thinking on him (now my husband). I could clearly say it was exactly that night I became aware that my feelings towards him had changed. Somehow all I wanted was to be with him, not only that night but forever afterwards. I remember we exchanged some messages but I can’t remember exactly what. I went to sleep thinking on him.

The next morning I was drinking coffee with my family when the doorbell rang… and when I opened the door it was him. I was shivering and was ready to explode in tears and kiss him right there in front of everyone, but I had to calm myself because we firstly never talked about us and secondly my family was against me getting involved in any relationship, especially because I still didn’t officially break-up with my ex-boyfriend to whom I was also engaged (which means our families had a history together) – although we were not seeing each other for over a year.

Nevertheless, I remember me and my ‘friend’ (now my husband) went out and spent the day together. If you ask me what we did, where we went or what we talked I can barely tell you anything, because I was way too emotional to pay attention. However, for me that day still remains one of the best and happiest days of my life. All I can say and remember is that ‘that particular day’ marks the beginning of our love story, not because we kissed or talked anything about us, but because we both felt the love.

My husband remains one of the most important people in my life. I’m the happiest and luckiest girl to have met him and be with him. He will forever be my place of calm. There’s no way in the world through which I can truly express my love for him, but I know he can feel it and that makes me happy.

And as the song says:


Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, yeah

Repetition is boring

I don’t know about you, but there’s almost nothing in my life that I don’t get bored of. I need changes, repetition is boring as hell. Sometimes I believe I don’t have any real hobbies because doing the same thing over and over gets boring.

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It is interesting that even the most loved and favorite things in my life get boring if I do them repetitively. My favorite lunch gets boring if I eat it every often. I don’t mind eating the same thing two days in a raw, but if I eat the same thing every week after several times it gets boring and I can’t eat it anymore.

I love reading, but not the same subject. Sometimes I read romantic novel, some other time science fiction, and another time professional books. And still time to time I need to stop reading at all. I love writing but not all the time. The only thing I keep doing repetitively is listening to music, but I have no preferred artist, music type and/or song – because even the music type needs to change.

I envy my husband who sticks to what he loves. He has his preferred sport, music type, lunch and he never gets bored of them even if he does the same thing over and over again every single day. I envy him because he talks with passion for the things he loves, whereas I have no passion at all – or only at that particular moment. I don’t know about you, but that’s how I’m build and yet I don’t like it – because sometimes I find myself bored to death.

The only thing I never get bored of is my family. Spending time with my husband and children never gets boring – contrary due to long working hours and dynamic life I find it difficult to really spend and enjoy time with them. My husband keeps teasing me all the time regarding this one. He says he won’t be surprised if one day I’ll go and tell him I got bored of him, and that he is in fact surprised I never did it till now. But I don’t think I will ever do that – because I love him differently.

Nevertheless, living like me (getting bored easily) it’s not fun, and I would really like to change that part but no studies every helped me. I guess I have to continue being creative and keep myself constantly busy with new things

Choosing my baby’s name

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When I was born in 1985 it took my father 1 month and a half to decide for my name. They never wanted to know my gender, especially because I was the third child in a family with two daughters. The only reason in fact my parents decided to have another child was by hoping I will be a boy, since my father, my grandfather and my grand-grandfather were the only men in their family, and they really wanted to have a heir who would inherit my family name and wealth. And as you might imagine giving a birth to another girl was not a happy moment for them –although I was the most loved and spoiled daughter in the family afterwards.

Today it’s totally different. Today people get more excited and happy when they give birth to girls, because daughters are always more connected with their families – even after they get married.

When I was pregnant with my first baby, even before I knew her gender me and my husband had chosen two names one for the boy and another one for a girl. Although their meanings were very contradictory (for the girl we chose the name ‘Bora’ which means snow, while for the boy we chose the name ‘Dielli” which means sun). It turned out to be a girl so her name is Bora.

Now after 4 years I’m pregnant for the second time and it’s a boy, and despite the fact that everyone thought his name will be Dielli, me and my husband share different feelings today (compared to others). Dielly indeed is a very beautiful name, very positive, but it is just used too much lately in Kosovo. I have a feeling that every second boy is named Dielli. But choosing a name for our baby it is very tough. We want a short-name, to be Albanian (but easily pronounced in English too – since Albanian language has 36 alphabet letters – some of them which are not easily pronounced in other languages), and have a meaning. We have many proposals and suggestion but someone none of them is ‘the one’. I never thought choosing a baby’s name will be this hard.

Then of course I searched online how other people chose their baby names, and of course how it sounds and uniqueness are the most important thing people look for, but people look also after names that age well and that combine emotions, such as link it to a moment, month of birth, etc. One of the things that is very important, especially if you want a unique name is to do your homework well, because sometimes you think you baby’s name is very rare, but then suddenly after you name it every second child holds that name. A very interesting suggests I’ve read online is that ‘most name associations don’t last’. It happened to me and I’m sure it happened to all new parents to conjure/associate a name preference with our pasts: that childhood friend we didn’t love, ex-lover of our partner etc. –but if we really love the name afterwards we will regret for not naming our baby because of someone we once didn’t love. Because we all (including our family and friends who might be against the name) will learn to love the name once the baby arrives.

One of the toughest debate I had with my husband around the name for our baby-boy is that he wanted to have a strong meaning –masculine type of name – which shows power. But then he kept suggesting names like Ares – the son of Zeus from Greek mythology, who was the God of war, spiritless, and who killed everyone who crossed his road. It was hard convincing him that the name doesn’t have to be strong because the name won’t impact the kid’s masculinity or personality. Last but not least we all should remember that the name we will pick is the best.

When motherhood overcomes career and money

Currently I work as tariff expert in electricity distribution and supply companies. It is an interesting job, well-paid and highly appreciative. This is one of the working place I would work forever.

As most of you already know, I’m pregnant and expect to give birth by the end of March (although my due date is beginning of April). I don’t know if you remember, but with my first child I didn’t have the chance to enjoy my maternity leave as I did change my job and had no vacancies whatsoever, so I went to work after 5 weeks I have birth to my daughter – leaving her with her grandma (my mother in law) for total of 8 working hours (plus additional 1 hour of traffic to get back home). As a result she became a very crying baby and I a very tired and kind of depressed mother. Thankfully those days are over and I did promise to myself that never in my life I would chose my carrier and/or money over my children.

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Today I’m 32 weeks and 5 days pregnant and just got an information that my manager will leave for another company and as a result I might need to replace him. My world turned upside-down. Am I in position to refuse the job? – No  – and you know why because there’s no one else who can replace him. Our work is very specific and no one can replace him – unless we open a call and hire someone from other companies engaged in electricity sector (which I doubt my director will be willing to do – when he has already someone from inside). Am I happy for this news? – NOT AT ALL. I was there once I know how it feels and no I don’t wanna go back there. I don’t want a career perspective, nor a higher salary. All I want for the moment is to be with my baby as long as the law allows me (6 months in Kosovo, with the possibility of extension of another 6 months). I believe that maternity leave will allow me firstly to overcome the birth experience and get well properly, secondly it will allow me to connect properly with my child – which might result for the baby to be more calm, and last but not least if me and my baby will be Ok I’ll have enough time for my daughter and as such she won’t feel bad for another sibling, respectively for sharing her with her brother.

The only positive thing right now is that our general director still doesn’t know the decision of my manager and he is not planning to tell him, until he signs the new contract, so that might give me enough time to start my maternity leave on time, and hopefully until I get back no one will call me and disturb me. But if you ask me how hopeful I am of this scenario.. I really don’t even wanna think about it!

When nobody believes in you – Changes you never thought you would see

My husband is the dearest person for me. He is sweet, kind and respects me. But he is not also an easy person to deal with. He is lazy and picky – especially when it comes to food.

We are together for 6 and a half years, and almost 5 years married. During entire this time I tried to convince him to start eating healthier food, quit smoking, sleeping earlier and engage himself with a sport/fitness.

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It was only last year (2015) when we started to have this talk seriously – and not because I was more serious but because he was listening to me more seriously. By the end of the year he said my resolution for 2016 is to start eating healthier, quit smoking and start running and playing basketball. Of course I was happy but not as much as I would expect myself to be. Why? – because I didn’t believe him. Not that I don’t believe what he says but because he was promising me to start a new life and leave behind his life he really loves. He enjoy eating hamburgers – he never even tried vegie – food because he said “vegetables are tasteless – they taste like grass”. Cigarettes are his toys, his moment of calm – and I never imagined him quitting. As per exercises I didn’t even tried to really ask him, because he is so lazy he even goes to buy bread with car in a bakery which is 2 min -walk away from our apartment.

It was January 2016, just after New Year party when he woke up in the morning and said I want omelet with vegetables. WHAT? – Was I hearing him correctly?  – Cook us something healthy today and tonight I’m starting to run.. “Cmon honey why don’t you wait for the snow to melt first, how you’re going to run in the snow?” – was my question. ‘Rudina, I gave a promise to myself and you and there’s nothing stopping me. If I start finding excuses  -oh trust me I will find everyday an excuse and will never make any progress, so instead of pushing me back on my goals I need your full support. And if you ever see me quitting you need to promise me you will push me forward’ – “Woaw” this was all I could think and say.

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I consider myself stubborn and goal oriented but seeing my husband talking and acting differently just in one single day I really mean WOAW – that was surprising as hell. For one month and a half since that day he in fact taught me and showed me that I’m not even close to being stubborn and goal oriented.

I’m really proud of him! – He did it on his own everything he did until today and seeing him all happy and newly-born I don’t think he will ever step back. When nobody believed in him – including myself – he moved on  – looking back to us with a smile of achievement in his face. Now I know he will never give up because he passed the hardest part of his journey. The only thing he left behind is jealousy. I will give birth hopefully by the end of March and then I need to start following him in his path otherwise I will die from the jealousy – Just kiddingJ.. I’m really, really, really proud of him!

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Differences between first and second pregnancy

I’m sure this article will be interesting only to the ones who are pregnant for the second time, and probably you have already read too many articles related to the differences between first and second pregnancy. But today I won’t be talking about theoretical lessons you read on professional articles, contrary I will tell my experience – which might be yours tomorrow.

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My first pregnancy was totally different. Everything was unknown, new and no matter how much I was reading everything seemed surprising. My relation with my partner only got stronger. We were both very exciting.

Hopefully I never had health problems. Contrary I was very energetic and felt heathy. My only problem was that I was a bit nervous during entire pregnancy, but otherwise everything was perfect. I was working full time and finishing my master classes in the evening. My daughter seems very comfortable inside me and she didn’t even take a step forward to get ready for the outside world, she was position horizontally, with her head on my left side and legs on my right side. No pressure whatsoever down in my pelvic are or up on my ribs. I was comfortable too – sitting, walking, moving, sleeping, and eating. I entered my 42nd week of pregnancy when I and my doctor decided for C-section, because my daughter was weighting 4.5 kg and it was becoming already unhealthy for her to continue staying in the womb.

Although as soon as she came out everything what seemed happy and nice got destroyed because she was very crying baby and I had to start working after 5 weeks of delivery, nonetheless, that’s topic for another article.

Today I will tell you my entire journey with my second pregnancy, up to date (Today I’m 32 weeks and 3 day pregnant). Firstly I had problems with my menstruation so I set an appointment to the doctor and it was there I understood I was pregnant (although my test were showing negative results). Of course I was happy and comfortable so I had two weddings in the upcoming months and I thought I’m more experienced now, plus my pregnancy will be as good as the first one, so I was not very careful with myself – by dancing and standing a lot – which resulted with bloodshed, which market also the beginning of a more complicated pregnancy. Although I must admit I have heard of much more complicated pregnancies, for me it was very tiring especially because I had a daughter I had to take care.

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Firstly my blood pressure is most of the time very low, which makes me tired sleepy and sometimes often feel like I might fall. I was vomiting, had short-breaths since the beginning, heartburns, head-aches, bone aches and on and on. Now that I approached the ending I feel like I can’t take it anymore. On top of all these, my baby’s position is head-down (which is good I know), but it makes terrible pressure on my pelvic area as well as on my ribs (with his little legs moving all the time). I feel very uncomfortable sitting, sleeping and especially walking (because I have a feeling my baby is coming out all the time). The only positive thing about my second pregnancy was that after all these complication (and many other I didn’t mentioned) I feel happy, very calm and not nervous at all (contrary I feel I have too much love to spread to the entire world).

Sometimes I believe that even if my second pregnancy was as good as the first one, it would still be different because I am more older, more tired, I don’t have as much time myself as I used to have because I have a child who has needs only I can fulfill. But no matter all these, I still feel the happiest mom on earth because I have a healthy and happy family which is growing. My children will grow surrounded by love and happiness and that’s priceless.

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