Category Archives: Motherhood

Choosing my baby’s name

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When I was born in 1985 it took my father 1 month and a half to decide for my name. They never wanted to know my gender, especially because I was the third child in a family with two daughters. The only reason in fact my parents decided to have another child was by hoping I will be a boy, since my father, my grandfather and my grand-grandfather were the only men in their family, and they really wanted to have a heir who would inherit my family name and wealth. And as you might imagine giving a birth to another girl was not a happy moment for them –although I was the most loved and spoiled daughter in the family afterwards.

Today it’s totally different. Today people get more excited and happy when they give birth to girls, because daughters are always more connected with their families – even after they get married.

When I was pregnant with my first baby, even before I knew her gender me and my husband had chosen two names one for the boy and another one for a girl. Although their meanings were very contradictory (for the girl we chose the name ‘Bora’ which means snow, while for the boy we chose the name ‘Dielli” which means sun). It turned out to be a girl so her name is Bora.

Now after 4 years I’m pregnant for the second time and it’s a boy, and despite the fact that everyone thought his name will be Dielli, me and my husband share different feelings today (compared to others). Dielly indeed is a very beautiful name, very positive, but it is just used too much lately in Kosovo. I have a feeling that every second boy is named Dielli. But choosing a name for our baby it is very tough. We want a short-name, to be Albanian (but easily pronounced in English too – since Albanian language has 36 alphabet letters – some of them which are not easily pronounced in other languages), and have a meaning. We have many proposals and suggestion but someone none of them is ‘the one’. I never thought choosing a baby’s name will be this hard.

Then of course I searched online how other people chose their baby names, and of course how it sounds and uniqueness are the most important thing people look for, but people look also after names that age well and that combine emotions, such as link it to a moment, month of birth, etc. One of the things that is very important, especially if you want a unique name is to do your homework well, because sometimes you think you baby’s name is very rare, but then suddenly after you name it every second child holds that name. A very interesting suggests I’ve read online is that ‘most name associations don’t last’. It happened to me and I’m sure it happened to all new parents to conjure/associate a name preference with our pasts: that childhood friend we didn’t love, ex-lover of our partner etc. –but if we really love the name afterwards we will regret for not naming our baby because of someone we once didn’t love. Because we all (including our family and friends who might be against the name) will learn to love the name once the baby arrives.

One of the toughest debate I had with my husband around the name for our baby-boy is that he wanted to have a strong meaning –masculine type of name – which shows power. But then he kept suggesting names like Ares – the son of Zeus from Greek mythology, who was the God of war, spiritless, and who killed everyone who crossed his road. It was hard convincing him that the name doesn’t have to be strong because the name won’t impact the kid’s masculinity or personality. Last but not least we all should remember that the name we will pick is the best.

When motherhood overcomes career and money

Currently I work as tariff expert in electricity distribution and supply companies. It is an interesting job, well-paid and highly appreciative. This is one of the working place I would work forever.

As most of you already know, I’m pregnant and expect to give birth by the end of March (although my due date is beginning of April). I don’t know if you remember, but with my first child I didn’t have the chance to enjoy my maternity leave as I did change my job and had no vacancies whatsoever, so I went to work after 5 weeks I have birth to my daughter – leaving her with her grandma (my mother in law) for total of 8 working hours (plus additional 1 hour of traffic to get back home). As a result she became a very crying baby and I a very tired and kind of depressed mother. Thankfully those days are over and I did promise to myself that never in my life I would chose my carrier and/or money over my children.

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Today I’m 32 weeks and 5 days pregnant and just got an information that my manager will leave for another company and as a result I might need to replace him. My world turned upside-down. Am I in position to refuse the job? – No  – and you know why because there’s no one else who can replace him. Our work is very specific and no one can replace him – unless we open a call and hire someone from other companies engaged in electricity sector (which I doubt my director will be willing to do – when he has already someone from inside). Am I happy for this news? – NOT AT ALL. I was there once I know how it feels and no I don’t wanna go back there. I don’t want a career perspective, nor a higher salary. All I want for the moment is to be with my baby as long as the law allows me (6 months in Kosovo, with the possibility of extension of another 6 months). I believe that maternity leave will allow me firstly to overcome the birth experience and get well properly, secondly it will allow me to connect properly with my child – which might result for the baby to be more calm, and last but not least if me and my baby will be Ok I’ll have enough time for my daughter and as such she won’t feel bad for another sibling, respectively for sharing her with her brother.

The only positive thing right now is that our general director still doesn’t know the decision of my manager and he is not planning to tell him, until he signs the new contract, so that might give me enough time to start my maternity leave on time, and hopefully until I get back no one will call me and disturb me. But if you ask me how hopeful I am of this scenario.. I really don’t even wanna think about it!

Differences between first and second pregnancy

I’m sure this article will be interesting only to the ones who are pregnant for the second time, and probably you have already read too many articles related to the differences between first and second pregnancy. But today I won’t be talking about theoretical lessons you read on professional articles, contrary I will tell my experience – which might be yours tomorrow.

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My first pregnancy was totally different. Everything was unknown, new and no matter how much I was reading everything seemed surprising. My relation with my partner only got stronger. We were both very exciting.

Hopefully I never had health problems. Contrary I was very energetic and felt heathy. My only problem was that I was a bit nervous during entire pregnancy, but otherwise everything was perfect. I was working full time and finishing my master classes in the evening. My daughter seems very comfortable inside me and she didn’t even take a step forward to get ready for the outside world, she was position horizontally, with her head on my left side and legs on my right side. No pressure whatsoever down in my pelvic are or up on my ribs. I was comfortable too – sitting, walking, moving, sleeping, and eating. I entered my 42nd week of pregnancy when I and my doctor decided for C-section, because my daughter was weighting 4.5 kg and it was becoming already unhealthy for her to continue staying in the womb.

Although as soon as she came out everything what seemed happy and nice got destroyed because she was very crying baby and I had to start working after 5 weeks of delivery, nonetheless, that’s topic for another article.

Today I will tell you my entire journey with my second pregnancy, up to date (Today I’m 32 weeks and 3 day pregnant). Firstly I had problems with my menstruation so I set an appointment to the doctor and it was there I understood I was pregnant (although my test were showing negative results). Of course I was happy and comfortable so I had two weddings in the upcoming months and I thought I’m more experienced now, plus my pregnancy will be as good as the first one, so I was not very careful with myself – by dancing and standing a lot – which resulted with bloodshed, which market also the beginning of a more complicated pregnancy. Although I must admit I have heard of much more complicated pregnancies, for me it was very tiring especially because I had a daughter I had to take care.

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Firstly my blood pressure is most of the time very low, which makes me tired sleepy and sometimes often feel like I might fall. I was vomiting, had short-breaths since the beginning, heartburns, head-aches, bone aches and on and on. Now that I approached the ending I feel like I can’t take it anymore. On top of all these, my baby’s position is head-down (which is good I know), but it makes terrible pressure on my pelvic area as well as on my ribs (with his little legs moving all the time). I feel very uncomfortable sitting, sleeping and especially walking (because I have a feeling my baby is coming out all the time). The only positive thing about my second pregnancy was that after all these complication (and many other I didn’t mentioned) I feel happy, very calm and not nervous at all (contrary I feel I have too much love to spread to the entire world).

Sometimes I believe that even if my second pregnancy was as good as the first one, it would still be different because I am more older, more tired, I don’t have as much time myself as I used to have because I have a child who has needs only I can fulfill. But no matter all these, I still feel the happiest mom on earth because I have a healthy and happy family which is growing. My children will grow surrounded by love and happiness and that’s priceless.

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How music affect fetal development

In fact this is not yet scientifically proven, and there are pro and cons arguments. Some studies, such the book I just read “Do chocolate lovers have sweeter babies: The surprising science of pregnancy”, indicate that fetuses can hear, react to music and even further they influence their development. Although no studies and/or book defined the idea that playing the music to your baby in the womb makes them smarter, some studies I have read support the idea that based on what kind of music you play and/or your baby in your womb reacts to –it depends his personality type.

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I personally can’t really tell for my baby, as he is very active baby and as such he kicks almost all the time I assume he is awake, so I can’t make any difference. Yet my taste for music during this pregnancy is totally different from my first pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my babygirl 4 years ago – I was more into relaxing music: Mozart, Love songs, and similar, whereas now I’m fully into energetic music, it doesn’t matter if its R&B, Pop or Rock – it just has to be energetic. I don’t know if this effects their personality, and since there are always people arguing pro and cons I can’t say for sure. Neither can I say anything based on my babygirl as she contrary to the music I loved to listen during my pregnancy if very stubborn, not so emotionally expressive, but surely it is very smart. I don’t know how my angel will be, but one thing is for sure his astrological sign will be similar to his sister (which means his personality might be similar to her), as my due-date is exactly the same with my babygirl’s. One thing is for sure –  as long as the  music I love listening to makes me feel happy, powerful, and it makes me dance around and have fun  – I’ll keep listening to it.

Planning your family growth in an undeveloped country

In general, the population boom is over. Fertility worldwide has fallen from 6 percentage points to 3 between 1950 and 1998, and another 1 percentage point between 1998 and 2014. Yet, in the underdeveloped countries natality is still high, respectively higher than mortality. This is one of the reason why Kosovo, who is ranked among the most underdeveloped countries in the world, has the youngest population in Europe.

Based on many anal
ysts worldwide – there is a correlation between fertility/natality and country’s development ratio, respectably countries with high natality are mainly undeveloped, and vice-versa. Analysts argue that high fertility can impose costly burdens on nations. It may impede opportunities for economic development, increase health risk – especially for women and children, it can reduce access to education, employment, scare resources, reduce nutrition, etc.

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We all know how hard it is to plan you family growth in a developed country, especially for educating and working mothers. But, how hard is for an educated women to plan her family growth in an undeveloped country, such as Kosovo?

First of all, let me explain why I’m distinguishing between educated and un-educated women. An educated women in an undeveloped country most probably is working full-time- in an office, or having a managerial position. She is also the provider in her family. An uneducated woman, might work, but usually don’t (especially in Kosovo, where getting a degree is very easy). One way or another an uneducated woman is not the provider in her family, contrary she is the spending one. She can spend all her salary on herself (because her salary is very low), or if she’s not working she is the spender of her husband’s salary. In both ways she’s not managing money and as such she’s not aware of her family incomes; she is used to poverty; she has no luxury wishes; and sometimes children for her represent a full-time job and as such she would like to be engaged on something – so for her giving birth to many children is the greatest achievement. On the other hand an educated-working mother needs to plan every detail of her life – starting from every cent of her money –to the possibility of losing her job.. She has to analyze if she can afford to have another baby, how will the baby affect the relation with her husband, with her older children, with her friends; will she be able to provide to her demanding child everything (or most of the things) his friends at school have; will she be able to educate him properly; and the questioning list goes on and on.

It sound pretty much the same if we compare with the way working mothers think in developed countries right?- But with a big difference.. In undeveloped countries such as Kosovo, the availability to working places is very limited. Economic developed is stagnated and no new working places are offered. Politics is so powerful that unless you are engaged in politics and/or nepotism finding a proper and stable working place is almost close to impossible. Therefore you keep planning on air, because you know you can’t plan anything more than one year ahead. All of us have loans, but loan interest rate in Kosovo are between 9-25% compounding, respectively for a loan of €15,000 you return around €23,000 at the end (or more). You are aware that your job is not secured and that tomorrow someone else might replace you just because he has stronger connections than you, and you won’t be able to find a job for around 1 year, while you have to pay your monthly loan, plus your credit-cards.

… and we still happily decide to have another child, and not stick to one child family philosophy, because for us FAMILY is the most important thing in life. We know the power of siblings when you’re old enough to understand that power. We know the power of children when we become old enough not to be able to look after ourselves; we know the security and love our parents gave us and we want to pass on the same feeling. We know the connection and how supportive friends are – and we want our children to live all this. Family and family virtues and family bonds are not vanished yet and this gives us hope, this gives us a reason to move on, work hard and provide miracles to our children, because we know the importance of family.

May God bless our families worldwide!

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ARRIVAL OF A NEW SIBLING

Today I entered my 28 week of pregnancy, or as we would like to hear it in Kosovo, I just entered my 7 months of pregnancy.

My second pregnancy is totally different from my first one, I feel more tired, extremely breath-less, and very sleepy. Yet, this is not my concern, although I have at least 2 full months ahead of me, which will be even worse. My problems is my daughter, or better say how to prepare her for her new rival coming soon.

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Yes I’ve read hundreds of articles, I’m talking to her, I’m preparing her, I’m even engaging her in every little activity so she can feel prepared and accomplished that she is the older sister and she will be his guide, his protecting angel and his friend. But yet I feel kind of sorry for her. Yes sorry, because I know my attention will not be 100% towards her. She will be often left aside (especially if her brother comes out to be as crying and demanding baby as she was). She will be left aside not because I would like to, or I will love my second child more, but because the crying baby, who doesn’t know to speak and tell me what is bothering him, will need my attention, my effort, my hand and my time. She will be left aside because no matter how much dedication and time we will give her, other people will be more enthusiastic towards the new baby than her – and this is something I can’t control.

I was 18 years old when my niece arrived. Being the youngest in my family I had the entire attention on me, people loved me the most, and I was as spoiled as you can imagine. Suddenly, at 18 years old, no one cared for me anymore. My niece was in the center of attention, including my attention, but yet it didn’t feel fair to me. I was jealous for my sister who suddenly forgot to kiss me, and who never laid her eyes on me anymore… and yes I was 18 years old – old enough to understand and feel ashamed of what I was feeling at that time. I’m 30 years old now, and I can still feel the pain I felt back then, I can see myself struggling to pass through the ‘loss of attention and love’ of my most loved ones. Having this in mind I’m terrified for my daughter.

I know there’s no formula what can work the best, and I will keep engaging her in everything, not only now even afterwards, because I know how hard it is for her to accept that her most loving people (me and her dad) suddenly will share her with someone else. I once read that in order to imagine how painful it is for a child to accept the arrival of a new sibling is to imagine that your partner announces you suddenly that “hey hun’ you’re so loving and adorable I decided to get married again and bring another partner to live with us”. I’m trying to teach my daughter that the new baby doesn’t mean we will share her with someone else –because we won’t. Contrary, the new baby will mean ‘bringing us closer’. She is my first love, my angel and my friend, and she will always be so. I need her and her hand to raise the baby and I will let her understand how important and precious her role is, although still deep -deep inside I know the reality, how she will feel, and what she will be going through. I’m fully aware of the ugly truth, and this hurts me, no matter how happy I am that my second miracle of love and happiness is on the way.

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The unlimited infinity

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I never knew how much I loved my daughter until I got pregnant again. Yes, that’s true!

Until I got pregnant again with my second child I thought that the love I feel for my daughter is infinite, but I realized now that my infinity has grown further, it’s bigger, wider, and stronger than before.

Me and my husband had plans before we wanted another child (expanding our house, buying new car, save more, etc.), but then we realized there is always something holding back our plans and time passes fast. My lil’ angel is growing into a smart, beautiful young girl and I can’t stop the time. She feels lonely too. So we decided to grow our happy family with another child.

It is never hard to decide to have a child when you feel happy and loved, contrary it makes you feel even happier and more connected with one another. To me it was surprising the fact that my love for my daughter grew further. It was surprising because I already thought I love her unconditionally and more than infinity, and realizing I could love even more it was a real surprise.

Currently I’m 6 months pregnant and there are still 3 more months until I can hold my Babyboy, but I already love him as much as my daughter. No matter what might happen until the end, my little creature moving unstoppably in my tommy will always remain my adorable –priceless angel, because it showed me the power of mother’s love, more than I ever knew it – or was aware of it.

I feel happy, like a free bird flying up high in a blue and diamond shining sky – and can’t wait to hold both my angels in my arms, look deep in their eyes, hear the loud laughs and sweet voices – because now I’m aware my infinity has no limit – and who knows tomorrow my current unlimited infinity might just expand further..

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