Category Archives: Social

The anxiety that nobody understands

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I might have told you several times until now about my depression after almost a year after my daughter was born, as you might know it was not related to the fact that my life has changed, but rather to the fact that she was a very crying baby. Hearing you child crying all the time, going though different medical test (to see why she was crying all the time) was not easy. Thankfully that time has passed.

Now with my second pregnancy I was happy almost all of the time. I had too much love and happiness to spread around. Yet, as my time to go into labor is approaching I started to feel anxious. The more I move forward the more something is pushing me backwards into anxiety and fear, and the worst part of it is that nobody understands it.

I had a little fight with my husband today.  I know he is scared just to think that I might go back where I once was, but telling me ‘now you are more prepared’ it doesn’t help, nor it helps telling me ‘now it’s easier because you’ll have enough maternity leave’. I know I’m more prepared, I know it easier for me having a chance to rest whenever the baby sleeps, but I also am aware that I have another child I have to deal with – and no matter how much I try to prepare my daughter I can see and feel the pain and fear she’s passing through these times. I’m not saying feeling the way I feel is the right way, but I can’t pretend that nothing will change and that everything will be easy this time.

I know and I’m aware I have a happy life outside of anxiety and that I am incredibly fortunate to have everything I have: healthy, happy supportive family, a good job and financial stability, our personal home, professional education good friends, and other opportunities. But despite all of this, the anxiety refuses to go away, and with time it gets bigger. It scare me only to think that I might go back again there, because NOW I don’t have that luxury anymore since my daughter is big enough to understand when something is wrong and I want nothing more than to see her smiley and happy. It scares me to death and nobody understands me.

I try not to think about it but as the time of delivery approaches the thoughts run in my head like fast volcano that burns everything on its way. I try to engage myself with lots of things, I try to do everything on my own no matter how heavy I’ve become just to keep myself busy, but still in everything I do I see my thoughts like I’m looking at a mirror. I am a happy person and this feeling makes me depressed even more but sometimes I can’t help it.

Of course I’m aware this is a passing stage and thankfully I don’t have anxiety disorders, but overthinking at this stage is exhausting enough. My thought have become my worries and my worries my anxiety. I know my husband doesn’t understand me, but somewhere out there I know there’s a pregnant mother who feels the same and I just want to tell “You’re not alone”, and by telling her she’s not alone I need to know also that I’M NOT ALONE too.

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Repetition is boring

I don’t know about you, but there’s almost nothing in my life that I don’t get bored of. I need changes, repetition is boring as hell. Sometimes I believe I don’t have any real hobbies because doing the same thing over and over gets boring.

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It is interesting that even the most loved and favorite things in my life get boring if I do them repetitively. My favorite lunch gets boring if I eat it every often. I don’t mind eating the same thing two days in a raw, but if I eat the same thing every week after several times it gets boring and I can’t eat it anymore.

I love reading, but not the same subject. Sometimes I read romantic novel, some other time science fiction, and another time professional books. And still time to time I need to stop reading at all. I love writing but not all the time. The only thing I keep doing repetitively is listening to music, but I have no preferred artist, music type and/or song – because even the music type needs to change.

I envy my husband who sticks to what he loves. He has his preferred sport, music type, lunch and he never gets bored of them even if he does the same thing over and over again every single day. I envy him because he talks with passion for the things he loves, whereas I have no passion at all – or only at that particular moment. I don’t know about you, but that’s how I’m build and yet I don’t like it – because sometimes I find myself bored to death.

The only thing I never get bored of is my family. Spending time with my husband and children never gets boring – contrary due to long working hours and dynamic life I find it difficult to really spend and enjoy time with them. My husband keeps teasing me all the time regarding this one. He says he won’t be surprised if one day I’ll go and tell him I got bored of him, and that he is in fact surprised I never did it till now. But I don’t think I will ever do that – because I love him differently.

Nevertheless, living like me (getting bored easily) it’s not fun, and I would really like to change that part but no studies every helped me. I guess I have to continue being creative and keep myself constantly busy with new things

Choosing my baby’s name

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When I was born in 1985 it took my father 1 month and a half to decide for my name. They never wanted to know my gender, especially because I was the third child in a family with two daughters. The only reason in fact my parents decided to have another child was by hoping I will be a boy, since my father, my grandfather and my grand-grandfather were the only men in their family, and they really wanted to have a heir who would inherit my family name and wealth. And as you might imagine giving a birth to another girl was not a happy moment for them –although I was the most loved and spoiled daughter in the family afterwards.

Today it’s totally different. Today people get more excited and happy when they give birth to girls, because daughters are always more connected with their families – even after they get married.

When I was pregnant with my first baby, even before I knew her gender me and my husband had chosen two names one for the boy and another one for a girl. Although their meanings were very contradictory (for the girl we chose the name ‘Bora’ which means snow, while for the boy we chose the name ‘Dielli” which means sun). It turned out to be a girl so her name is Bora.

Now after 4 years I’m pregnant for the second time and it’s a boy, and despite the fact that everyone thought his name will be Dielli, me and my husband share different feelings today (compared to others). Dielly indeed is a very beautiful name, very positive, but it is just used too much lately in Kosovo. I have a feeling that every second boy is named Dielli. But choosing a name for our baby it is very tough. We want a short-name, to be Albanian (but easily pronounced in English too – since Albanian language has 36 alphabet letters – some of them which are not easily pronounced in other languages), and have a meaning. We have many proposals and suggestion but someone none of them is ‘the one’. I never thought choosing a baby’s name will be this hard.

Then of course I searched online how other people chose their baby names, and of course how it sounds and uniqueness are the most important thing people look for, but people look also after names that age well and that combine emotions, such as link it to a moment, month of birth, etc. One of the things that is very important, especially if you want a unique name is to do your homework well, because sometimes you think you baby’s name is very rare, but then suddenly after you name it every second child holds that name. A very interesting suggests I’ve read online is that ‘most name associations don’t last’. It happened to me and I’m sure it happened to all new parents to conjure/associate a name preference with our pasts: that childhood friend we didn’t love, ex-lover of our partner etc. –but if we really love the name afterwards we will regret for not naming our baby because of someone we once didn’t love. Because we all (including our family and friends who might be against the name) will learn to love the name once the baby arrives.

One of the toughest debate I had with my husband around the name for our baby-boy is that he wanted to have a strong meaning –masculine type of name – which shows power. But then he kept suggesting names like Ares – the son of Zeus from Greek mythology, who was the God of war, spiritless, and who killed everyone who crossed his road. It was hard convincing him that the name doesn’t have to be strong because the name won’t impact the kid’s masculinity or personality. Last but not least we all should remember that the name we will pick is the best.

When motherhood overcomes career and money

Currently I work as tariff expert in electricity distribution and supply companies. It is an interesting job, well-paid and highly appreciative. This is one of the working place I would work forever.

As most of you already know, I’m pregnant and expect to give birth by the end of March (although my due date is beginning of April). I don’t know if you remember, but with my first child I didn’t have the chance to enjoy my maternity leave as I did change my job and had no vacancies whatsoever, so I went to work after 5 weeks I have birth to my daughter – leaving her with her grandma (my mother in law) for total of 8 working hours (plus additional 1 hour of traffic to get back home). As a result she became a very crying baby and I a very tired and kind of depressed mother. Thankfully those days are over and I did promise to myself that never in my life I would chose my carrier and/or money over my children.

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Today I’m 32 weeks and 5 days pregnant and just got an information that my manager will leave for another company and as a result I might need to replace him. My world turned upside-down. Am I in position to refuse the job? – No  – and you know why because there’s no one else who can replace him. Our work is very specific and no one can replace him – unless we open a call and hire someone from other companies engaged in electricity sector (which I doubt my director will be willing to do – when he has already someone from inside). Am I happy for this news? – NOT AT ALL. I was there once I know how it feels and no I don’t wanna go back there. I don’t want a career perspective, nor a higher salary. All I want for the moment is to be with my baby as long as the law allows me (6 months in Kosovo, with the possibility of extension of another 6 months). I believe that maternity leave will allow me firstly to overcome the birth experience and get well properly, secondly it will allow me to connect properly with my child – which might result for the baby to be more calm, and last but not least if me and my baby will be Ok I’ll have enough time for my daughter and as such she won’t feel bad for another sibling, respectively for sharing her with her brother.

The only positive thing right now is that our general director still doesn’t know the decision of my manager and he is not planning to tell him, until he signs the new contract, so that might give me enough time to start my maternity leave on time, and hopefully until I get back no one will call me and disturb me. But if you ask me how hopeful I am of this scenario.. I really don’t even wanna think about it!

When nobody believes in you – Changes you never thought you would see

My husband is the dearest person for me. He is sweet, kind and respects me. But he is not also an easy person to deal with. He is lazy and picky – especially when it comes to food.

We are together for 6 and a half years, and almost 5 years married. During entire this time I tried to convince him to start eating healthier food, quit smoking, sleeping earlier and engage himself with a sport/fitness.

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It was only last year (2015) when we started to have this talk seriously – and not because I was more serious but because he was listening to me more seriously. By the end of the year he said my resolution for 2016 is to start eating healthier, quit smoking and start running and playing basketball. Of course I was happy but not as much as I would expect myself to be. Why? – because I didn’t believe him. Not that I don’t believe what he says but because he was promising me to start a new life and leave behind his life he really loves. He enjoy eating hamburgers – he never even tried vegie – food because he said “vegetables are tasteless – they taste like grass”. Cigarettes are his toys, his moment of calm – and I never imagined him quitting. As per exercises I didn’t even tried to really ask him, because he is so lazy he even goes to buy bread with car in a bakery which is 2 min -walk away from our apartment.

It was January 2016, just after New Year party when he woke up in the morning and said I want omelet with vegetables. WHAT? – Was I hearing him correctly?  – Cook us something healthy today and tonight I’m starting to run.. “Cmon honey why don’t you wait for the snow to melt first, how you’re going to run in the snow?” – was my question. ‘Rudina, I gave a promise to myself and you and there’s nothing stopping me. If I start finding excuses  -oh trust me I will find everyday an excuse and will never make any progress, so instead of pushing me back on my goals I need your full support. And if you ever see me quitting you need to promise me you will push me forward’ – “Woaw” this was all I could think and say.

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I consider myself stubborn and goal oriented but seeing my husband talking and acting differently just in one single day I really mean WOAW – that was surprising as hell. For one month and a half since that day he in fact taught me and showed me that I’m not even close to being stubborn and goal oriented.

I’m really proud of him! – He did it on his own everything he did until today and seeing him all happy and newly-born I don’t think he will ever step back. When nobody believed in him – including myself – he moved on  – looking back to us with a smile of achievement in his face. Now I know he will never give up because he passed the hardest part of his journey. The only thing he left behind is jealousy. I will give birth hopefully by the end of March and then I need to start following him in his path otherwise I will die from the jealousy – Just kiddingJ.. I’m really, really, really proud of him!

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Your life priorities and people’s judgments

Tonight I’m going out with my girls from work. I award myself every month to go out with my girls, sometimes twice a months, and once a month I go out alone with my hubby. Sometimes I also go out for a short coffee with my friends after the work – so it’s not like I don’t go out without my daughter, but still when I look at my friends it seems like I go out very rare.

Usually when I go out I’m very excited because it’s fun-time for me, without having to worry if my girl will fall or embarrass me somehow. But, tonight I’m not so excited.   Usually I go out with the ones I feel comfortable with, whereas tonight there are also friends I really don’t enjoy being around. In other cases I wouldn’t go out, but tonight I decided I will because I don’t wanna be the party-breaker.

I don’t know how it is in your country but in Kosovo going out means you HAVE to look astonishing. Trust me, girls pay special make-up artists and hair-dressers just to look pretty. Appearance is one of the most important things in here – everything should be fashionable and amazing.

I personally finished my grad-studies in Slovenia, where people are simple (like in most part of the world – at least the ones I travelled to – including some states in USA). They look clean, fresh and that’s it. So somehow that is how I became. To me feeling fresh, clean and comfortable is the most important thing. But as I said that’s not how people value you in Kosovo, so I often get judged because of this attribute. My friends accepted me the way I am but I now not everybody does, so tonight I’ll go out with girls who firstly will look goddess, and second will judge me for my appearance.

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I’m not a very rich person. I’m not complaining because my life is above the average life of the people living in Kosovo, but I don’t have money to through away. Spending money on unnecessary and expensive cloths is not something I can afford. I can if I want to, but then I have to give up on something else like going out on weekends with my family, and this is something I would NEVER give up for cloths. I’m not saying I’m right, it is just the way I prioritize my things.

Sometimes I try not to worry about people’s opinion and live my life carefree just like I am, but some other times I can’t close my eyes, because when people stare at you it just doesn’t feel good.  Tonight is one of these night (although they are very rare) when I don’t feel good, and yet I chose to go out. I will always chose feeling bad over giving up because I want to let the others know that I am happy the way I am, I have a healthy and happy family and to me that is the most precious thing in life.

What to read when expecting

Expecting a baby is one of the most mixed feelings in the world. You feel very happy (especially if you are expecting for the first time) and in love with your unborn baby, but at the same time fatigue, food aversions or cravings, nausea with(out) vomiting, frequent urination, heartburn, up to uncomfortable baby kicks and moves by the third trimester make you feel tired, unhappy and sometimes depressed.

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Reading books while pregnant has helped me overcome some of the negative aspects of pregnancy, because first of all you will understand you’re not the only one who doesn’t feel all the time comfy and happy for having a baby in your tommy.  Most woman read book such as general guidelines and/or roadmap to a healthy delivery, healthy pregnancy and breastfeeding. But there are also other amazing book to be read especially if you belong to the world of problems with pregnancy. Some of the books I would suggest are:

  • Pregnancy Sucks: What to do when your miracle makes you miserable by Joanne Kimes, and Leslie Young
  • The Panic-Free Pregnancy: An OB-GYN Separates Fact from Fiction on Food, Exercise, Travel, Pets, Coffee, Medications, and Concerns You Have When You Are Expecting by Michael Broder
  • Let’s Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain, … Turn You into a Worthwhile Human Being by and Eden M. Kennedy
  • Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth about Pregnancy and Childbirth by Jenny McCarthy

The latest book I read was ‘Do Chocolate Lovers Have Sweeter Babies?: The Surprising Science of Pregnancy’ by Jena Pincot, an amazing book full of interesting facts I would say. No matter how funny and not serious its title it might sound, in fact the book is full of fact and science. It helps you understand some issues much better such as: Why pregnancy woman see more vivid dreams, How exercising during pregnancy makes babies much smarter (also listening to Mozart), How our emotions (happiness and stress) are transmitted to our babies – and How our emotions effect girl vs. boy fetuses, It also explains that Having more sex with the baby’s father before and during pregnancy may prevent preeclampsia, How chocolate consumption during pregnancy is associated with babies with better temperament, Etc.

There are tons of great pregnancy books, but there are also many worthless ones, however what is interesting for me might not be interesting for you, and sometimes it depends on your mood, so if you feel like not reading a book while pregnant don’t do it. But, also never forget that reading always makes you feel more prepared and not alone.