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The anxiety that nobody understands

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I might have told you several times until now about my depression after almost a year after my daughter was born, as you might know it was not related to the fact that my life has changed, but rather to the fact that she was a very crying baby. Hearing you child crying all the time, going though different medical test (to see why she was crying all the time) was not easy. Thankfully that time has passed.

Now with my second pregnancy I was happy almost all of the time. I had too much love and happiness to spread around. Yet, as my time to go into labor is approaching I started to feel anxious. The more I move forward the more something is pushing me backwards into anxiety and fear, and the worst part of it is that nobody understands it.

I had a little fight with my husband today.  I know he is scared just to think that I might go back where I once was, but telling me ‘now you are more prepared’ it doesn’t help, nor it helps telling me ‘now it’s easier because you’ll have enough maternity leave’. I know I’m more prepared, I know it easier for me having a chance to rest whenever the baby sleeps, but I also am aware that I have another child I have to deal with – and no matter how much I try to prepare my daughter I can see and feel the pain and fear she’s passing through these times. I’m not saying feeling the way I feel is the right way, but I can’t pretend that nothing will change and that everything will be easy this time.

I know and I’m aware I have a happy life outside of anxiety and that I am incredibly fortunate to have everything I have: healthy, happy supportive family, a good job and financial stability, our personal home, professional education good friends, and other opportunities. But despite all of this, the anxiety refuses to go away, and with time it gets bigger. It scare me only to think that I might go back again there, because NOW I don’t have that luxury anymore since my daughter is big enough to understand when something is wrong and I want nothing more than to see her smiley and happy. It scares me to death and nobody understands me.

I try not to think about it but as the time of delivery approaches the thoughts run in my head like fast volcano that burns everything on its way. I try to engage myself with lots of things, I try to do everything on my own no matter how heavy I’ve become just to keep myself busy, but still in everything I do I see my thoughts like I’m looking at a mirror. I am a happy person and this feeling makes me depressed even more but sometimes I can’t help it.

Of course I’m aware this is a passing stage and thankfully I don’t have anxiety disorders, but overthinking at this stage is exhausting enough. My thought have become my worries and my worries my anxiety. I know my husband doesn’t understand me, but somewhere out there I know there’s a pregnant mother who feels the same and I just want to tell “You’re not alone”, and by telling her she’s not alone I need to know also that I’M NOT ALONE too.

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Repetition is boring

I don’t know about you, but there’s almost nothing in my life that I don’t get bored of. I need changes, repetition is boring as hell. Sometimes I believe I don’t have any real hobbies because doing the same thing over and over gets boring.

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It is interesting that even the most loved and favorite things in my life get boring if I do them repetitively. My favorite lunch gets boring if I eat it every often. I don’t mind eating the same thing two days in a raw, but if I eat the same thing every week after several times it gets boring and I can’t eat it anymore.

I love reading, but not the same subject. Sometimes I read romantic novel, some other time science fiction, and another time professional books. And still time to time I need to stop reading at all. I love writing but not all the time. The only thing I keep doing repetitively is listening to music, but I have no preferred artist, music type and/or song – because even the music type needs to change.

I envy my husband who sticks to what he loves. He has his preferred sport, music type, lunch and he never gets bored of them even if he does the same thing over and over again every single day. I envy him because he talks with passion for the things he loves, whereas I have no passion at all – or only at that particular moment. I don’t know about you, but that’s how I’m build and yet I don’t like it – because sometimes I find myself bored to death.

The only thing I never get bored of is my family. Spending time with my husband and children never gets boring – contrary due to long working hours and dynamic life I find it difficult to really spend and enjoy time with them. My husband keeps teasing me all the time regarding this one. He says he won’t be surprised if one day I’ll go and tell him I got bored of him, and that he is in fact surprised I never did it till now. But I don’t think I will ever do that – because I love him differently.

Nevertheless, living like me (getting bored easily) it’s not fun, and I would really like to change that part but no studies every helped me. I guess I have to continue being creative and keep myself constantly busy with new things

Choosing my baby’s name

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When I was born in 1985 it took my father 1 month and a half to decide for my name. They never wanted to know my gender, especially because I was the third child in a family with two daughters. The only reason in fact my parents decided to have another child was by hoping I will be a boy, since my father, my grandfather and my grand-grandfather were the only men in their family, and they really wanted to have a heir who would inherit my family name and wealth. And as you might imagine giving a birth to another girl was not a happy moment for them –although I was the most loved and spoiled daughter in the family afterwards.

Today it’s totally different. Today people get more excited and happy when they give birth to girls, because daughters are always more connected with their families – even after they get married.

When I was pregnant with my first baby, even before I knew her gender me and my husband had chosen two names one for the boy and another one for a girl. Although their meanings were very contradictory (for the girl we chose the name ‘Bora’ which means snow, while for the boy we chose the name ‘Dielli” which means sun). It turned out to be a girl so her name is Bora.

Now after 4 years I’m pregnant for the second time and it’s a boy, and despite the fact that everyone thought his name will be Dielli, me and my husband share different feelings today (compared to others). Dielly indeed is a very beautiful name, very positive, but it is just used too much lately in Kosovo. I have a feeling that every second boy is named Dielli. But choosing a name for our baby it is very tough. We want a short-name, to be Albanian (but easily pronounced in English too – since Albanian language has 36 alphabet letters – some of them which are not easily pronounced in other languages), and have a meaning. We have many proposals and suggestion but someone none of them is ‘the one’. I never thought choosing a baby’s name will be this hard.

Then of course I searched online how other people chose their baby names, and of course how it sounds and uniqueness are the most important thing people look for, but people look also after names that age well and that combine emotions, such as link it to a moment, month of birth, etc. One of the things that is very important, especially if you want a unique name is to do your homework well, because sometimes you think you baby’s name is very rare, but then suddenly after you name it every second child holds that name. A very interesting suggests I’ve read online is that ‘most name associations don’t last’. It happened to me and I’m sure it happened to all new parents to conjure/associate a name preference with our pasts: that childhood friend we didn’t love, ex-lover of our partner etc. –but if we really love the name afterwards we will regret for not naming our baby because of someone we once didn’t love. Because we all (including our family and friends who might be against the name) will learn to love the name once the baby arrives.

One of the toughest debate I had with my husband around the name for our baby-boy is that he wanted to have a strong meaning –masculine type of name – which shows power. But then he kept suggesting names like Ares – the son of Zeus from Greek mythology, who was the God of war, spiritless, and who killed everyone who crossed his road. It was hard convincing him that the name doesn’t have to be strong because the name won’t impact the kid’s masculinity or personality. Last but not least we all should remember that the name we will pick is the best.

When nobody believes in you – Changes you never thought you would see

My husband is the dearest person for me. He is sweet, kind and respects me. But he is not also an easy person to deal with. He is lazy and picky – especially when it comes to food.

We are together for 6 and a half years, and almost 5 years married. During entire this time I tried to convince him to start eating healthier food, quit smoking, sleeping earlier and engage himself with a sport/fitness.

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It was only last year (2015) when we started to have this talk seriously – and not because I was more serious but because he was listening to me more seriously. By the end of the year he said my resolution for 2016 is to start eating healthier, quit smoking and start running and playing basketball. Of course I was happy but not as much as I would expect myself to be. Why? – because I didn’t believe him. Not that I don’t believe what he says but because he was promising me to start a new life and leave behind his life he really loves. He enjoy eating hamburgers – he never even tried vegie – food because he said “vegetables are tasteless – they taste like grass”. Cigarettes are his toys, his moment of calm – and I never imagined him quitting. As per exercises I didn’t even tried to really ask him, because he is so lazy he even goes to buy bread with car in a bakery which is 2 min -walk away from our apartment.

It was January 2016, just after New Year party when he woke up in the morning and said I want omelet with vegetables. WHAT? – Was I hearing him correctly?  – Cook us something healthy today and tonight I’m starting to run.. “Cmon honey why don’t you wait for the snow to melt first, how you’re going to run in the snow?” – was my question. ‘Rudina, I gave a promise to myself and you and there’s nothing stopping me. If I start finding excuses  -oh trust me I will find everyday an excuse and will never make any progress, so instead of pushing me back on my goals I need your full support. And if you ever see me quitting you need to promise me you will push me forward’ – “Woaw” this was all I could think and say.

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I consider myself stubborn and goal oriented but seeing my husband talking and acting differently just in one single day I really mean WOAW – that was surprising as hell. For one month and a half since that day he in fact taught me and showed me that I’m not even close to being stubborn and goal oriented.

I’m really proud of him! – He did it on his own everything he did until today and seeing him all happy and newly-born I don’t think he will ever step back. When nobody believed in him – including myself – he moved on  – looking back to us with a smile of achievement in his face. Now I know he will never give up because he passed the hardest part of his journey. The only thing he left behind is jealousy. I will give birth hopefully by the end of March and then I need to start following him in his path otherwise I will die from the jealousy – Just kiddingJ.. I’m really, really, really proud of him!

Photo-via-@millionairenotes-•If-you-dont-believe-in-yourself-no-one-else-will.-Always-have-faith-i

Differences between first and second pregnancy

I’m sure this article will be interesting only to the ones who are pregnant for the second time, and probably you have already read too many articles related to the differences between first and second pregnancy. But today I won’t be talking about theoretical lessons you read on professional articles, contrary I will tell my experience – which might be yours tomorrow.

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My first pregnancy was totally different. Everything was unknown, new and no matter how much I was reading everything seemed surprising. My relation with my partner only got stronger. We were both very exciting.

Hopefully I never had health problems. Contrary I was very energetic and felt heathy. My only problem was that I was a bit nervous during entire pregnancy, but otherwise everything was perfect. I was working full time and finishing my master classes in the evening. My daughter seems very comfortable inside me and she didn’t even take a step forward to get ready for the outside world, she was position horizontally, with her head on my left side and legs on my right side. No pressure whatsoever down in my pelvic are or up on my ribs. I was comfortable too – sitting, walking, moving, sleeping, and eating. I entered my 42nd week of pregnancy when I and my doctor decided for C-section, because my daughter was weighting 4.5 kg and it was becoming already unhealthy for her to continue staying in the womb.

Although as soon as she came out everything what seemed happy and nice got destroyed because she was very crying baby and I had to start working after 5 weeks of delivery, nonetheless, that’s topic for another article.

Today I will tell you my entire journey with my second pregnancy, up to date (Today I’m 32 weeks and 3 day pregnant). Firstly I had problems with my menstruation so I set an appointment to the doctor and it was there I understood I was pregnant (although my test were showing negative results). Of course I was happy and comfortable so I had two weddings in the upcoming months and I thought I’m more experienced now, plus my pregnancy will be as good as the first one, so I was not very careful with myself – by dancing and standing a lot – which resulted with bloodshed, which market also the beginning of a more complicated pregnancy. Although I must admit I have heard of much more complicated pregnancies, for me it was very tiring especially because I had a daughter I had to take care.

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Firstly my blood pressure is most of the time very low, which makes me tired sleepy and sometimes often feel like I might fall. I was vomiting, had short-breaths since the beginning, heartburns, head-aches, bone aches and on and on. Now that I approached the ending I feel like I can’t take it anymore. On top of all these, my baby’s position is head-down (which is good I know), but it makes terrible pressure on my pelvic area as well as on my ribs (with his little legs moving all the time). I feel very uncomfortable sitting, sleeping and especially walking (because I have a feeling my baby is coming out all the time). The only positive thing about my second pregnancy was that after all these complication (and many other I didn’t mentioned) I feel happy, very calm and not nervous at all (contrary I feel I have too much love to spread to the entire world).

Sometimes I believe that even if my second pregnancy was as good as the first one, it would still be different because I am more older, more tired, I don’t have as much time myself as I used to have because I have a child who has needs only I can fulfill. But no matter all these, I still feel the happiest mom on earth because I have a healthy and happy family which is growing. My children will grow surrounded by love and happiness and that’s priceless.

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Your life priorities and people’s judgments

Tonight I’m going out with my girls from work. I award myself every month to go out with my girls, sometimes twice a months, and once a month I go out alone with my hubby. Sometimes I also go out for a short coffee with my friends after the work – so it’s not like I don’t go out without my daughter, but still when I look at my friends it seems like I go out very rare.

Usually when I go out I’m very excited because it’s fun-time for me, without having to worry if my girl will fall or embarrass me somehow. But, tonight I’m not so excited.   Usually I go out with the ones I feel comfortable with, whereas tonight there are also friends I really don’t enjoy being around. In other cases I wouldn’t go out, but tonight I decided I will because I don’t wanna be the party-breaker.

I don’t know how it is in your country but in Kosovo going out means you HAVE to look astonishing. Trust me, girls pay special make-up artists and hair-dressers just to look pretty. Appearance is one of the most important things in here – everything should be fashionable and amazing.

I personally finished my grad-studies in Slovenia, where people are simple (like in most part of the world – at least the ones I travelled to – including some states in USA). They look clean, fresh and that’s it. So somehow that is how I became. To me feeling fresh, clean and comfortable is the most important thing. But as I said that’s not how people value you in Kosovo, so I often get judged because of this attribute. My friends accepted me the way I am but I now not everybody does, so tonight I’ll go out with girls who firstly will look goddess, and second will judge me for my appearance.

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I’m not a very rich person. I’m not complaining because my life is above the average life of the people living in Kosovo, but I don’t have money to through away. Spending money on unnecessary and expensive cloths is not something I can afford. I can if I want to, but then I have to give up on something else like going out on weekends with my family, and this is something I would NEVER give up for cloths. I’m not saying I’m right, it is just the way I prioritize my things.

Sometimes I try not to worry about people’s opinion and live my life carefree just like I am, but some other times I can’t close my eyes, because when people stare at you it just doesn’t feel good.  Tonight is one of these night (although they are very rare) when I don’t feel good, and yet I chose to go out. I will always chose feeling bad over giving up because I want to let the others know that I am happy the way I am, I have a healthy and happy family and to me that is the most precious thing in life.

How music affect fetal development

In fact this is not yet scientifically proven, and there are pro and cons arguments. Some studies, such the book I just read “Do chocolate lovers have sweeter babies: The surprising science of pregnancy”, indicate that fetuses can hear, react to music and even further they influence their development. Although no studies and/or book defined the idea that playing the music to your baby in the womb makes them smarter, some studies I have read support the idea that based on what kind of music you play and/or your baby in your womb reacts to –it depends his personality type.

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I personally can’t really tell for my baby, as he is very active baby and as such he kicks almost all the time I assume he is awake, so I can’t make any difference. Yet my taste for music during this pregnancy is totally different from my first pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my babygirl 4 years ago – I was more into relaxing music: Mozart, Love songs, and similar, whereas now I’m fully into energetic music, it doesn’t matter if its R&B, Pop or Rock – it just has to be energetic. I don’t know if this effects their personality, and since there are always people arguing pro and cons I can’t say for sure. Neither can I say anything based on my babygirl as she contrary to the music I loved to listen during my pregnancy if very stubborn, not so emotionally expressive, but surely it is very smart. I don’t know how my angel will be, but one thing is for sure his astrological sign will be similar to his sister (which means his personality might be similar to her), as my due-date is exactly the same with my babygirl’s. One thing is for sure –  as long as the  music I love listening to makes me feel happy, powerful, and it makes me dance around and have fun  – I’ll keep listening to it.