Tag Archives: child

Choosing my baby’s name

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When I was born in 1985 it took my father 1 month and a half to decide for my name. They never wanted to know my gender, especially because I was the third child in a family with two daughters. The only reason in fact my parents decided to have another child was by hoping I will be a boy, since my father, my grandfather and my grand-grandfather were the only men in their family, and they really wanted to have a heir who would inherit my family name and wealth. And as you might imagine giving a birth to another girl was not a happy moment for them –although I was the most loved and spoiled daughter in the family afterwards.

Today it’s totally different. Today people get more excited and happy when they give birth to girls, because daughters are always more connected with their families – even after they get married.

When I was pregnant with my first baby, even before I knew her gender me and my husband had chosen two names one for the boy and another one for a girl. Although their meanings were very contradictory (for the girl we chose the name ‘Bora’ which means snow, while for the boy we chose the name ‘Dielli” which means sun). It turned out to be a girl so her name is Bora.

Now after 4 years I’m pregnant for the second time and it’s a boy, and despite the fact that everyone thought his name will be Dielli, me and my husband share different feelings today (compared to others). Dielly indeed is a very beautiful name, very positive, but it is just used too much lately in Kosovo. I have a feeling that every second boy is named Dielli. But choosing a name for our baby it is very tough. We want a short-name, to be Albanian (but easily pronounced in English too – since Albanian language has 36 alphabet letters – some of them which are not easily pronounced in other languages), and have a meaning. We have many proposals and suggestion but someone none of them is ‘the one’. I never thought choosing a baby’s name will be this hard.

Then of course I searched online how other people chose their baby names, and of course how it sounds and uniqueness are the most important thing people look for, but people look also after names that age well and that combine emotions, such as link it to a moment, month of birth, etc. One of the things that is very important, especially if you want a unique name is to do your homework well, because sometimes you think you baby’s name is very rare, but then suddenly after you name it every second child holds that name. A very interesting suggests I’ve read online is that ‘most name associations don’t last’. It happened to me and I’m sure it happened to all new parents to conjure/associate a name preference with our pasts: that childhood friend we didn’t love, ex-lover of our partner etc. –but if we really love the name afterwards we will regret for not naming our baby because of someone we once didn’t love. Because we all (including our family and friends who might be against the name) will learn to love the name once the baby arrives.

One of the toughest debate I had with my husband around the name for our baby-boy is that he wanted to have a strong meaning –masculine type of name – which shows power. But then he kept suggesting names like Ares – the son of Zeus from Greek mythology, who was the God of war, spiritless, and who killed everyone who crossed his road. It was hard convincing him that the name doesn’t have to be strong because the name won’t impact the kid’s masculinity or personality. Last but not least we all should remember that the name we will pick is the best.

Planning your family growth in an undeveloped country

In general, the population boom is over. Fertility worldwide has fallen from 6 percentage points to 3 between 1950 and 1998, and another 1 percentage point between 1998 and 2014. Yet, in the underdeveloped countries natality is still high, respectively higher than mortality. This is one of the reason why Kosovo, who is ranked among the most underdeveloped countries in the world, has the youngest population in Europe.

Based on many anal
ysts worldwide – there is a correlation between fertility/natality and country’s development ratio, respectably countries with high natality are mainly undeveloped, and vice-versa. Analysts argue that high fertility can impose costly burdens on nations. It may impede opportunities for economic development, increase health risk – especially for women and children, it can reduce access to education, employment, scare resources, reduce nutrition, etc.

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We all know how hard it is to plan you family growth in a developed country, especially for educating and working mothers. But, how hard is for an educated women to plan her family growth in an undeveloped country, such as Kosovo?

First of all, let me explain why I’m distinguishing between educated and un-educated women. An educated women in an undeveloped country most probably is working full-time- in an office, or having a managerial position. She is also the provider in her family. An uneducated woman, might work, but usually don’t (especially in Kosovo, where getting a degree is very easy). One way or another an uneducated woman is not the provider in her family, contrary she is the spending one. She can spend all her salary on herself (because her salary is very low), or if she’s not working she is the spender of her husband’s salary. In both ways she’s not managing money and as such she’s not aware of her family incomes; she is used to poverty; she has no luxury wishes; and sometimes children for her represent a full-time job and as such she would like to be engaged on something – so for her giving birth to many children is the greatest achievement. On the other hand an educated-working mother needs to plan every detail of her life – starting from every cent of her money –to the possibility of losing her job.. She has to analyze if she can afford to have another baby, how will the baby affect the relation with her husband, with her older children, with her friends; will she be able to provide to her demanding child everything (or most of the things) his friends at school have; will she be able to educate him properly; and the questioning list goes on and on.

It sound pretty much the same if we compare with the way working mothers think in developed countries right?- But with a big difference.. In undeveloped countries such as Kosovo, the availability to working places is very limited. Economic developed is stagnated and no new working places are offered. Politics is so powerful that unless you are engaged in politics and/or nepotism finding a proper and stable working place is almost close to impossible. Therefore you keep planning on air, because you know you can’t plan anything more than one year ahead. All of us have loans, but loan interest rate in Kosovo are between 9-25% compounding, respectively for a loan of €15,000 you return around €23,000 at the end (or more). You are aware that your job is not secured and that tomorrow someone else might replace you just because he has stronger connections than you, and you won’t be able to find a job for around 1 year, while you have to pay your monthly loan, plus your credit-cards.

… and we still happily decide to have another child, and not stick to one child family philosophy, because for us FAMILY is the most important thing in life. We know the power of siblings when you’re old enough to understand that power. We know the power of children when we become old enough not to be able to look after ourselves; we know the security and love our parents gave us and we want to pass on the same feeling. We know the connection and how supportive friends are – and we want our children to live all this. Family and family virtues and family bonds are not vanished yet and this gives us hope, this gives us a reason to move on, work hard and provide miracles to our children, because we know the importance of family.

May God bless our families worldwide!

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A Mother…

If one of your sons died, while another one had a car-accident and is on a wheelchair, would you still be able to smile? – Yes, Yes smile?! – That’s the power of mother… No matter how hurt she is, no matter how much pain she hold inside, she is still able to smile and move forward for the sake of her other children, who have no guilt for her bad luck.

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Nothing in this world is more powerful than the love a mother has for her child. No matter how much life has pushed you away, and drawn inside badness, a mother is still able to stand-up, to move on and fight until her last breath for her children.

A proverb says “When a child is born, a mother is born”, but proverb doesn’t quote that if a child dies a mother dies too, unless if she has other children to live for, because a mother’s love is fearless in defense of her child. Most mother know that their love and emotional availability are vital to their children’s well –being, therefore even if her heart cries for the loss of one child, she will still smile for the other one who is still alive and holds on to her.

I experienced this phenomenon this weekend, when a mother who has lost a son, plus has another one in a wheelchair, was still able to organize a wedding for her youngest son, and not only. She was able to dance, smile, spread love, and laugh like nothing has happened to her, like she never had a single bad day in her life.

Some people might think it was easy for her, while some other might think it was hard. But trust me it is unimaginable pain… I, myself, was not able to hold my tears when I was watching her son on the wheelchair trying to dance and laugh, while we were all in our feet – walking and dancing freely. But she… she didn’t shed a single tear. Not because she was not hurt, not because she was unemotional, but because she was a mother… and she knew that her other son was watching her eyes… That’s the power of mother- unconditional and unimaginable.

In special days like this

Today is not like every day.. Today is a very special day from me, and I’ll tell you why:

I woke up in the morning, happy as usual. I’m a morning person by the way; I love mornings because they make me feel energized and ready to rock the day. Today was a real spring day, the sun was shining brightly, but you could still feel the morning breeze..

As my husband was driving us to wok and our daughter to kindergarten, the music in the background was just amazing. We were all singing out-loudly and happily. The music played today reminded me the times when me and my husband were dating, free from obligations and planning our future together. Those were the times when we decided to have a child, and somehow today after 3 years since my daughter was born, it is the first day I started to think I would like to have another child soon..

And the day continued as usually.. We left our baby girl and went to work..

I was overloaded with work, when my phone rang.. it was from kindergarten.. My hearted started to beat fast and slow at the same time and million questions were boiling in my head: “Is she sick? – Did she fell? – Is she crying? –Maybe she is in ambulance?” –questions like this only a mother can understand. I finally picked up the phone and her teacher said ‘Rudina, Bora wants to talk to you on phone.. She keeps asking me, and it’s not stopping’ I said ‘Ok, give Bora to me” and again numerous question came to my mind ‘What will she tell me? – Maybe she just doesn’t want to eat her breakfast, but her teachers are insisting? – No, she’ll tell me something else, maybe she did something wrong and she is afraid when I’ll find out I will punish her when we go back home? – No, no, she will tell me, another child hit her” and like.. and then… I hear her sweet, sweet voice:

“Mommy, I LOVE YOU”

I’m like ‘ohhhh baby, I love you too, are you OK’

Bora: “Yes mommy”

Me: “Ok honey, now be a good girl, listen to your teachers and have fun at school today Ok’

Bora: “ok mommy, bye’

Me “Bye sweetheart’

I was so afraid I’ll cry there on the phone, or that she will ask me to go and pick her up, I couldn’t wait to close the phone

Is there a better feeling in the world? – I really doubt.

Children are true miracles, pure angels, and the best gift God can give us. I’m so blessed to have her. No matter how ‘hard I’m with her, difficult to deal with or hard to handle’, she loves me back, because she feels my pure and unconditional love for her.. Yes she does! .. and today I’m the happiest mother alive.

May God bless every female out there with this precious gift..

and yes I wanna have another child!

md

Working Mother’s Guilt

Working mom’s guilt  is practically an epidemic. Most of the working moms I know feel guilty for leaving their child alone (at home or in kindergarten), so Welcome to the Club of WMFG (Working Moms Feeling Guilty), and yes you’re not alone. Trust me there’s no single mother out there who doesn’t feel guilty in one way or another, the only difference are varying degrees and varying amounts on various days.

I started to work 4 weeks after I gave birth to my loving daughter Bora (I gave birth with C-section surgery). She was only 7 weeks old when I had to travel abroad for 3 nights, and you can only image how painful was for me working for 8 hours a day and knowing that my baby girl is crying out-loud, or to travel miles away from her and not being able to see her for 3 days at all. Trust me you don’t want to live that. I was neither a good mom, nor a good employee (or at least as I wanted to be), I was suffering from double guilt because while at home I was concerned about my job while at home, whereas while at work I couldn’t stop myself thinking about my baby girl. I felt like I’m forever coming up short when it comes to doing enough, giving enough and being enough for my child. The more time was passing the more depressed and guilty I was feeling

Sometimes guilt can be a warning signal that you need to make a change in your life. I saw that my work was consuming me and my time (not only during working hours but my time at home too), so I decided to change my job. This is one of the hardest and the best decision I did in my last years (carrier vise). So if you’re a working mother feeling guilty ask yourself “Can I do something about it?” If you see a red flag, fix it. Even if you can’t correct it right away, resolving to do so can dispel the guilt.

The second very import suggestion from my side to you is to create a list of the reasons you work (money, satisfaction, sanity). This will help you as a reminder of your personal principles and wishes. Many times this helped me realize that because of my work I can afford to make some of her wishes come true (sending her to holidays, send her to better educational kindergarten, etc.). When you choose to combine motherhood and career there will always be trade-offs and we have to deal with it, we should be aware that we need to make compromises and sacrifices in this regard.

The weight on what it takes to be a ‘good parent’ every day is moving up, and today it is so ridiculously high and fake that it has started to be discussing. I enjoy being involved in my daughter’s activities but I’m also aware that I can’t and don’t have to be for every little milestone. I feel guilty when I am tired after work and my daughter is full of energy and is expecting me to play with her; I feel guilty also that every single day I am doing laundry or dishes instead of playing with her – but instead of feeding my brain with this kind of negative thoughts I instead think how happy I’m to have a work that make sense, and be part of a team where my work is appreciated; I am proud that my daughter has a family dinner every night of the week and has free and loving time every night before sleeping time to share both with me and my husband; and last but not least I’m so proud for her to be raised in a happy family where love and respect are pillar of the house. Doing so takes the judgment out, and allows me give myself permission to do what actually works best for me and my family – minus the should-inflicted guilt.

And my last recommendation in this article for you is to stay away from people that make you feel guilty. Don’t compare yourself with other and don’t let other judge you. . The vast majority of working mothers I encounter work incredibly hard to be the best parent they can, and that deserves encouragement, not criticism. What other mothers are doing is none of your business. Doing what works for you, for your children and your family to stay happy, is all that matters. The reality is that you do not have to be a perfect parent to be a great parent.