Tag Archives: depression

The anxiety that nobody understands

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I might have told you several times until now about my depression after almost a year after my daughter was born, as you might know it was not related to the fact that my life has changed, but rather to the fact that she was a very crying baby. Hearing you child crying all the time, going though different medical test (to see why she was crying all the time) was not easy. Thankfully that time has passed.

Now with my second pregnancy I was happy almost all of the time. I had too much love and happiness to spread around. Yet, as my time to go into labor is approaching I started to feel anxious. The more I move forward the more something is pushing me backwards into anxiety and fear, and the worst part of it is that nobody understands it.

I had a little fight with my husband today.  I know he is scared just to think that I might go back where I once was, but telling me ‘now you are more prepared’ it doesn’t help, nor it helps telling me ‘now it’s easier because you’ll have enough maternity leave’. I know I’m more prepared, I know it easier for me having a chance to rest whenever the baby sleeps, but I also am aware that I have another child I have to deal with – and no matter how much I try to prepare my daughter I can see and feel the pain and fear she’s passing through these times. I’m not saying feeling the way I feel is the right way, but I can’t pretend that nothing will change and that everything will be easy this time.

I know and I’m aware I have a happy life outside of anxiety and that I am incredibly fortunate to have everything I have: healthy, happy supportive family, a good job and financial stability, our personal home, professional education good friends, and other opportunities. But despite all of this, the anxiety refuses to go away, and with time it gets bigger. It scare me only to think that I might go back again there, because NOW I don’t have that luxury anymore since my daughter is big enough to understand when something is wrong and I want nothing more than to see her smiley and happy. It scares me to death and nobody understands me.

I try not to think about it but as the time of delivery approaches the thoughts run in my head like fast volcano that burns everything on its way. I try to engage myself with lots of things, I try to do everything on my own no matter how heavy I’ve become just to keep myself busy, but still in everything I do I see my thoughts like I’m looking at a mirror. I am a happy person and this feeling makes me depressed even more but sometimes I can’t help it.

Of course I’m aware this is a passing stage and thankfully I don’t have anxiety disorders, but overthinking at this stage is exhausting enough. My thought have become my worries and my worries my anxiety. I know my husband doesn’t understand me, but somewhere out there I know there’s a pregnant mother who feels the same and I just want to tell “You’re not alone”, and by telling her she’s not alone I need to know also that I’M NOT ALONE too.

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Repetition is boring

I don’t know about you, but there’s almost nothing in my life that I don’t get bored of. I need changes, repetition is boring as hell. Sometimes I believe I don’t have any real hobbies because doing the same thing over and over gets boring.

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It is interesting that even the most loved and favorite things in my life get boring if I do them repetitively. My favorite lunch gets boring if I eat it every often. I don’t mind eating the same thing two days in a raw, but if I eat the same thing every week after several times it gets boring and I can’t eat it anymore.

I love reading, but not the same subject. Sometimes I read romantic novel, some other time science fiction, and another time professional books. And still time to time I need to stop reading at all. I love writing but not all the time. The only thing I keep doing repetitively is listening to music, but I have no preferred artist, music type and/or song – because even the music type needs to change.

I envy my husband who sticks to what he loves. He has his preferred sport, music type, lunch and he never gets bored of them even if he does the same thing over and over again every single day. I envy him because he talks with passion for the things he loves, whereas I have no passion at all – or only at that particular moment. I don’t know about you, but that’s how I’m build and yet I don’t like it – because sometimes I find myself bored to death.

The only thing I never get bored of is my family. Spending time with my husband and children never gets boring – contrary due to long working hours and dynamic life I find it difficult to really spend and enjoy time with them. My husband keeps teasing me all the time regarding this one. He says he won’t be surprised if one day I’ll go and tell him I got bored of him, and that he is in fact surprised I never did it till now. But I don’t think I will ever do that – because I love him differently.

Nevertheless, living like me (getting bored easily) it’s not fun, and I would really like to change that part but no studies every helped me. I guess I have to continue being creative and keep myself constantly busy with new things

The emotional effects of debt

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I was reading somewhere that the average American has $15,950 in credit card debt, and 39% of Americans carry credit card debt month to month, which is huge I guess, without taking into consideration the loans issued from commercial banks or other financial institution.

In Kosovo with 1, 7 million inhabitants the amount of issued loans in the beginning of 2014 was € 1.86 billion (including personal loans, mortgages and business loans), whereas every working person at least has one credit-card (over 50% of the population). For you a loan of 1,058 €/person might not sound that bad, however the if we consider that the average interest rate in Kosovo is 11% compounding, this is huge burden for Kosovo citizens with the unemployment rate of 44% .

Although the latest report of the Kosovo Central Bank is showing a decrease in the loan value disbursed, it is mainly a decrease in business sector, due to the political and economic crises in place, and another very important unspoken reason is that personal loans have lower interest rate therefore small business purchase personal loans for their business purposes.

Nevertheless, one way of another, a loan weather is it for a ‘good’ purpose (buying a new car, house, going into vocation, etc) or ‘bad’ purpose (survival, sickness, etc) causes serious emotional effects. Dr. John Gathergood, studied the debt and depression correlation in 2012, and published an article about it in the Economic Journal (you can download full article here). He has shown us that the ones who cannot pay their debts and loans are twice more likely to experience any kind of health problems (emotional problems, such as depression and severe anxiety), compared to the rest of the population.

In Kosovo currently the non-performing loans account only for 8.7% which is the lowest in the region (Balkan countries), which also shows that we are willing to pay our loans before ensuring other basic needs per month (such as food), and this is another reason why banks are so profitable in here. However I must add the percentage of 8.7% was only 2.5% back in 2011; respectively people every day are getting poorer and unable to pay their debts. This also led to the increasing number of drug users, alcoholics and suicides, and unfortunately there is more to it: problems with debt effect also our marriage, children, job and friends.

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Some people, especially in Kosovo, find denial as the best solution to not pay a loan/debt. Denial might seem a momentary solution, because it just leads you deeper into debt: Not paying your loan means additional interest rate per day, it also means not having control over your debts, spending more, and sometimes losing more (e.g. house, car, etc. if you had to provide capital insurance).

Stress from debt is the most common emotional effect we get from loans, it is so powerful that is eliminates all happiness we get from spending money (buying food, cloths, dresses, etc), because we are constantly focused on ‘how much we spend’, or ‘how much would we be left with’. All this often translates into anger and frustration, and a constant reminder of the negatives in our life.

Other common negative emotiona we feel when we are in debt are also: Regret – for the good we purchased or an investment we did; Shame – because we are not earning enough; Fear – losing our job, family and friends; Anxiety – not being able to save for ‘black days’;…and much more.

Therefore before we purchase a loan we might want to use a ‘30 day’ rule, respectively leave the idea where it is for 30 days and come back later and see if you still need/want to purchase the good, e.g. buy a house and/or that particular house, or you want to re-consider you initial idea and let’s say buy something cheaper.

There are plenty of ways how we can help ourselves to stay away from loans, or take as less as we have to, we just need to read about it and speak about it. My suggestion for you that would like to read more about this topic is to start reading financial blogs, e.g. www.thesimpledollar.com is a great start.