Tag Archives: family

The anxiety that nobody understands

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I might have told you several times until now about my depression after almost a year after my daughter was born, as you might know it was not related to the fact that my life has changed, but rather to the fact that she was a very crying baby. Hearing you child crying all the time, going though different medical test (to see why she was crying all the time) was not easy. Thankfully that time has passed.

Now with my second pregnancy I was happy almost all of the time. I had too much love and happiness to spread around. Yet, as my time to go into labor is approaching I started to feel anxious. The more I move forward the more something is pushing me backwards into anxiety and fear, and the worst part of it is that nobody understands it.

I had a little fight with my husband today.  I know he is scared just to think that I might go back where I once was, but telling me ‘now you are more prepared’ it doesn’t help, nor it helps telling me ‘now it’s easier because you’ll have enough maternity leave’. I know I’m more prepared, I know it easier for me having a chance to rest whenever the baby sleeps, but I also am aware that I have another child I have to deal with – and no matter how much I try to prepare my daughter I can see and feel the pain and fear she’s passing through these times. I’m not saying feeling the way I feel is the right way, but I can’t pretend that nothing will change and that everything will be easy this time.

I know and I’m aware I have a happy life outside of anxiety and that I am incredibly fortunate to have everything I have: healthy, happy supportive family, a good job and financial stability, our personal home, professional education good friends, and other opportunities. But despite all of this, the anxiety refuses to go away, and with time it gets bigger. It scare me only to think that I might go back again there, because NOW I don’t have that luxury anymore since my daughter is big enough to understand when something is wrong and I want nothing more than to see her smiley and happy. It scares me to death and nobody understands me.

I try not to think about it but as the time of delivery approaches the thoughts run in my head like fast volcano that burns everything on its way. I try to engage myself with lots of things, I try to do everything on my own no matter how heavy I’ve become just to keep myself busy, but still in everything I do I see my thoughts like I’m looking at a mirror. I am a happy person and this feeling makes me depressed even more but sometimes I can’t help it.

Of course I’m aware this is a passing stage and thankfully I don’t have anxiety disorders, but overthinking at this stage is exhausting enough. My thought have become my worries and my worries my anxiety. I know my husband doesn’t understand me, but somewhere out there I know there’s a pregnant mother who feels the same and I just want to tell “You’re not alone”, and by telling her she’s not alone I need to know also that I’M NOT ALONE too.

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When a song reminds you of a special feeling

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I don’t know about you but I have many songs that remind me of very special moments. Yet, the song “If I ain’t got you” by Alicia Keys is one of my favorite songs, because it reminds me the hard times me and my husband had to pass to be together.

We both share histories from our past. His one is a sad one, whereas mine is a troubled one. And in fact if we analyze how we got together, it was our histories that connected us. Both of our problems/sadness began at the same time, and somehow we needed to be together (we were colleagues and friends before we got together).

It was a night in spring 2009 when I went out for a drink, and there was live music. I was at my parent’s house who live in another city. I don’t know why but the singer sang more than three times this song, and somehow I couldn’t stop thinking on him (now my husband). I could clearly say it was exactly that night I became aware that my feelings towards him had changed. Somehow all I wanted was to be with him, not only that night but forever afterwards. I remember we exchanged some messages but I can’t remember exactly what. I went to sleep thinking on him.

The next morning I was drinking coffee with my family when the doorbell rang… and when I opened the door it was him. I was shivering and was ready to explode in tears and kiss him right there in front of everyone, but I had to calm myself because we firstly never talked about us and secondly my family was against me getting involved in any relationship, especially because I still didn’t officially break-up with my ex-boyfriend to whom I was also engaged (which means our families had a history together) – although we were not seeing each other for over a year.

Nevertheless, I remember me and my ‘friend’ (now my husband) went out and spent the day together. If you ask me what we did, where we went or what we talked I can barely tell you anything, because I was way too emotional to pay attention. However, for me that day still remains one of the best and happiest days of my life. All I can say and remember is that ‘that particular day’ marks the beginning of our love story, not because we kissed or talked anything about us, but because we both felt the love.

My husband remains one of the most important people in my life. I’m the happiest and luckiest girl to have met him and be with him. He will forever be my place of calm. There’s no way in the world through which I can truly express my love for him, but I know he can feel it and that makes me happy.

And as the song says:


Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, yeah

Repetition is boring

I don’t know about you, but there’s almost nothing in my life that I don’t get bored of. I need changes, repetition is boring as hell. Sometimes I believe I don’t have any real hobbies because doing the same thing over and over gets boring.

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It is interesting that even the most loved and favorite things in my life get boring if I do them repetitively. My favorite lunch gets boring if I eat it every often. I don’t mind eating the same thing two days in a raw, but if I eat the same thing every week after several times it gets boring and I can’t eat it anymore.

I love reading, but not the same subject. Sometimes I read romantic novel, some other time science fiction, and another time professional books. And still time to time I need to stop reading at all. I love writing but not all the time. The only thing I keep doing repetitively is listening to music, but I have no preferred artist, music type and/or song – because even the music type needs to change.

I envy my husband who sticks to what he loves. He has his preferred sport, music type, lunch and he never gets bored of them even if he does the same thing over and over again every single day. I envy him because he talks with passion for the things he loves, whereas I have no passion at all – or only at that particular moment. I don’t know about you, but that’s how I’m build and yet I don’t like it – because sometimes I find myself bored to death.

The only thing I never get bored of is my family. Spending time with my husband and children never gets boring – contrary due to long working hours and dynamic life I find it difficult to really spend and enjoy time with them. My husband keeps teasing me all the time regarding this one. He says he won’t be surprised if one day I’ll go and tell him I got bored of him, and that he is in fact surprised I never did it till now. But I don’t think I will ever do that – because I love him differently.

Nevertheless, living like me (getting bored easily) it’s not fun, and I would really like to change that part but no studies every helped me. I guess I have to continue being creative and keep myself constantly busy with new things

Differences between first and second pregnancy

I’m sure this article will be interesting only to the ones who are pregnant for the second time, and probably you have already read too many articles related to the differences between first and second pregnancy. But today I won’t be talking about theoretical lessons you read on professional articles, contrary I will tell my experience – which might be yours tomorrow.

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My first pregnancy was totally different. Everything was unknown, new and no matter how much I was reading everything seemed surprising. My relation with my partner only got stronger. We were both very exciting.

Hopefully I never had health problems. Contrary I was very energetic and felt heathy. My only problem was that I was a bit nervous during entire pregnancy, but otherwise everything was perfect. I was working full time and finishing my master classes in the evening. My daughter seems very comfortable inside me and she didn’t even take a step forward to get ready for the outside world, she was position horizontally, with her head on my left side and legs on my right side. No pressure whatsoever down in my pelvic are or up on my ribs. I was comfortable too – sitting, walking, moving, sleeping, and eating. I entered my 42nd week of pregnancy when I and my doctor decided for C-section, because my daughter was weighting 4.5 kg and it was becoming already unhealthy for her to continue staying in the womb.

Although as soon as she came out everything what seemed happy and nice got destroyed because she was very crying baby and I had to start working after 5 weeks of delivery, nonetheless, that’s topic for another article.

Today I will tell you my entire journey with my second pregnancy, up to date (Today I’m 32 weeks and 3 day pregnant). Firstly I had problems with my menstruation so I set an appointment to the doctor and it was there I understood I was pregnant (although my test were showing negative results). Of course I was happy and comfortable so I had two weddings in the upcoming months and I thought I’m more experienced now, plus my pregnancy will be as good as the first one, so I was not very careful with myself – by dancing and standing a lot – which resulted with bloodshed, which market also the beginning of a more complicated pregnancy. Although I must admit I have heard of much more complicated pregnancies, for me it was very tiring especially because I had a daughter I had to take care.

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Firstly my blood pressure is most of the time very low, which makes me tired sleepy and sometimes often feel like I might fall. I was vomiting, had short-breaths since the beginning, heartburns, head-aches, bone aches and on and on. Now that I approached the ending I feel like I can’t take it anymore. On top of all these, my baby’s position is head-down (which is good I know), but it makes terrible pressure on my pelvic area as well as on my ribs (with his little legs moving all the time). I feel very uncomfortable sitting, sleeping and especially walking (because I have a feeling my baby is coming out all the time). The only positive thing about my second pregnancy was that after all these complication (and many other I didn’t mentioned) I feel happy, very calm and not nervous at all (contrary I feel I have too much love to spread to the entire world).

Sometimes I believe that even if my second pregnancy was as good as the first one, it would still be different because I am more older, more tired, I don’t have as much time myself as I used to have because I have a child who has needs only I can fulfill. But no matter all these, I still feel the happiest mom on earth because I have a healthy and happy family which is growing. My children will grow surrounded by love and happiness and that’s priceless.

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Your life priorities and people’s judgments

Tonight I’m going out with my girls from work. I award myself every month to go out with my girls, sometimes twice a months, and once a month I go out alone with my hubby. Sometimes I also go out for a short coffee with my friends after the work – so it’s not like I don’t go out without my daughter, but still when I look at my friends it seems like I go out very rare.

Usually when I go out I’m very excited because it’s fun-time for me, without having to worry if my girl will fall or embarrass me somehow. But, tonight I’m not so excited.   Usually I go out with the ones I feel comfortable with, whereas tonight there are also friends I really don’t enjoy being around. In other cases I wouldn’t go out, but tonight I decided I will because I don’t wanna be the party-breaker.

I don’t know how it is in your country but in Kosovo going out means you HAVE to look astonishing. Trust me, girls pay special make-up artists and hair-dressers just to look pretty. Appearance is one of the most important things in here – everything should be fashionable and amazing.

I personally finished my grad-studies in Slovenia, where people are simple (like in most part of the world – at least the ones I travelled to – including some states in USA). They look clean, fresh and that’s it. So somehow that is how I became. To me feeling fresh, clean and comfortable is the most important thing. But as I said that’s not how people value you in Kosovo, so I often get judged because of this attribute. My friends accepted me the way I am but I now not everybody does, so tonight I’ll go out with girls who firstly will look goddess, and second will judge me for my appearance.

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I’m not a very rich person. I’m not complaining because my life is above the average life of the people living in Kosovo, but I don’t have money to through away. Spending money on unnecessary and expensive cloths is not something I can afford. I can if I want to, but then I have to give up on something else like going out on weekends with my family, and this is something I would NEVER give up for cloths. I’m not saying I’m right, it is just the way I prioritize my things.

Sometimes I try not to worry about people’s opinion and live my life carefree just like I am, but some other times I can’t close my eyes, because when people stare at you it just doesn’t feel good.  Tonight is one of these night (although they are very rare) when I don’t feel good, and yet I chose to go out. I will always chose feeling bad over giving up because I want to let the others know that I am happy the way I am, I have a healthy and happy family and to me that is the most precious thing in life.

Friends over years

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The most common definition of friendship defines friendship as a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people. Nonetheless over time or better say with age meaning of friendship and/or of the ‘mutual affection’ changes.

When you are a child – a friend symbolizes someone you like to play with. It is someone you share common interest for toys/games but you never fight with.

When you are in primary school – a friend (and by friend I mean a best friend) is someone you like spending time outside the school, such as study together and even tell some secrets with. This is the time when you in fact understand the meaning of the best friend. There are times you believe your best friend will stick around you forever.

If you’re lucky you and your best friend will go to the same school in the secondary education, so your mutual affection will only get better and stronger. It will be so strong you will believe that there’s no way ever for you to grow apart. The relationship with your friend will be so powerful and meaningful, he/she will become the center of the universe. If you’re not so lucky, than you will find another friend who will become your best friend you will hang out, share your story and make plans to study together. But you will always be more reserved and have a back-up plan in you sub-consciousness – because once you failed (when you were making plans with your best friend from your primary school).

When you are in your undergraduate and/or graduate studies you will not have so much time to keep a strong relationship with a friend, because most probably you will be working too. Moreover it is the time when you start exploring life partners and your consciousness is more contrite towards your future. I’m not saying you will not have friends to hang out with – I’m saying your time will be more limited to create strong bounds with your friends.

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Moreover, when you are young the number of your best friends is much bigger, and by time you will understand that you’re really lucky if the number of your best friend is not less than 1.

Friendship, just like any other relation requires your time and effort to make it work. With time your priorities change, at least mine have changed. With time and by getting older family remains your weakest point and the real center of your universe. Having a family, happy family requires too much time and work, which on the other hand leaves you very little room for friends. And there are only two ways to pass this dynamic life – one is if your friend lives in the same stage and has the same priorities as you – and as such you will understand each-other so perfectly that whenever you meet you not only won’t judge the other one for not having time to see you everyday –but will support each other and will pick up the talking from where you left it the last time you were together; or if your best friend is your colleague so you still meet him/her everyday. One way of another never allow yourself to say alone without friends, because best friends are supportive, and you can talk to them things you can’t talk with your family.

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Planning your family growth in an undeveloped country

In general, the population boom is over. Fertility worldwide has fallen from 6 percentage points to 3 between 1950 and 1998, and another 1 percentage point between 1998 and 2014. Yet, in the underdeveloped countries natality is still high, respectively higher than mortality. This is one of the reason why Kosovo, who is ranked among the most underdeveloped countries in the world, has the youngest population in Europe.

Based on many anal
ysts worldwide – there is a correlation between fertility/natality and country’s development ratio, respectably countries with high natality are mainly undeveloped, and vice-versa. Analysts argue that high fertility can impose costly burdens on nations. It may impede opportunities for economic development, increase health risk – especially for women and children, it can reduce access to education, employment, scare resources, reduce nutrition, etc.

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We all know how hard it is to plan you family growth in a developed country, especially for educating and working mothers. But, how hard is for an educated women to plan her family growth in an undeveloped country, such as Kosovo?

First of all, let me explain why I’m distinguishing between educated and un-educated women. An educated women in an undeveloped country most probably is working full-time- in an office, or having a managerial position. She is also the provider in her family. An uneducated woman, might work, but usually don’t (especially in Kosovo, where getting a degree is very easy). One way or another an uneducated woman is not the provider in her family, contrary she is the spending one. She can spend all her salary on herself (because her salary is very low), or if she’s not working she is the spender of her husband’s salary. In both ways she’s not managing money and as such she’s not aware of her family incomes; she is used to poverty; she has no luxury wishes; and sometimes children for her represent a full-time job and as such she would like to be engaged on something – so for her giving birth to many children is the greatest achievement. On the other hand an educated-working mother needs to plan every detail of her life – starting from every cent of her money –to the possibility of losing her job.. She has to analyze if she can afford to have another baby, how will the baby affect the relation with her husband, with her older children, with her friends; will she be able to provide to her demanding child everything (or most of the things) his friends at school have; will she be able to educate him properly; and the questioning list goes on and on.

It sound pretty much the same if we compare with the way working mothers think in developed countries right?- But with a big difference.. In undeveloped countries such as Kosovo, the availability to working places is very limited. Economic developed is stagnated and no new working places are offered. Politics is so powerful that unless you are engaged in politics and/or nepotism finding a proper and stable working place is almost close to impossible. Therefore you keep planning on air, because you know you can’t plan anything more than one year ahead. All of us have loans, but loan interest rate in Kosovo are between 9-25% compounding, respectively for a loan of €15,000 you return around €23,000 at the end (or more). You are aware that your job is not secured and that tomorrow someone else might replace you just because he has stronger connections than you, and you won’t be able to find a job for around 1 year, while you have to pay your monthly loan, plus your credit-cards.

… and we still happily decide to have another child, and not stick to one child family philosophy, because for us FAMILY is the most important thing in life. We know the power of siblings when you’re old enough to understand that power. We know the power of children when we become old enough not to be able to look after ourselves; we know the security and love our parents gave us and we want to pass on the same feeling. We know the connection and how supportive friends are – and we want our children to live all this. Family and family virtues and family bonds are not vanished yet and this gives us hope, this gives us a reason to move on, work hard and provide miracles to our children, because we know the importance of family.

May God bless our families worldwide!

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