Tag Archives: happiness

The anxiety that nobody understands

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I might have told you several times until now about my depression after almost a year after my daughter was born, as you might know it was not related to the fact that my life has changed, but rather to the fact that she was a very crying baby. Hearing you child crying all the time, going though different medical test (to see why she was crying all the time) was not easy. Thankfully that time has passed.

Now with my second pregnancy I was happy almost all of the time. I had too much love and happiness to spread around. Yet, as my time to go into labor is approaching I started to feel anxious. The more I move forward the more something is pushing me backwards into anxiety and fear, and the worst part of it is that nobody understands it.

I had a little fight with my husband today.  I know he is scared just to think that I might go back where I once was, but telling me ‘now you are more prepared’ it doesn’t help, nor it helps telling me ‘now it’s easier because you’ll have enough maternity leave’. I know I’m more prepared, I know it easier for me having a chance to rest whenever the baby sleeps, but I also am aware that I have another child I have to deal with – and no matter how much I try to prepare my daughter I can see and feel the pain and fear she’s passing through these times. I’m not saying feeling the way I feel is the right way, but I can’t pretend that nothing will change and that everything will be easy this time.

I know and I’m aware I have a happy life outside of anxiety and that I am incredibly fortunate to have everything I have: healthy, happy supportive family, a good job and financial stability, our personal home, professional education good friends, and other opportunities. But despite all of this, the anxiety refuses to go away, and with time it gets bigger. It scare me only to think that I might go back again there, because NOW I don’t have that luxury anymore since my daughter is big enough to understand when something is wrong and I want nothing more than to see her smiley and happy. It scares me to death and nobody understands me.

I try not to think about it but as the time of delivery approaches the thoughts run in my head like fast volcano that burns everything on its way. I try to engage myself with lots of things, I try to do everything on my own no matter how heavy I’ve become just to keep myself busy, but still in everything I do I see my thoughts like I’m looking at a mirror. I am a happy person and this feeling makes me depressed even more but sometimes I can’t help it.

Of course I’m aware this is a passing stage and thankfully I don’t have anxiety disorders, but overthinking at this stage is exhausting enough. My thought have become my worries and my worries my anxiety. I know my husband doesn’t understand me, but somewhere out there I know there’s a pregnant mother who feels the same and I just want to tell “You’re not alone”, and by telling her she’s not alone I need to know also that I’M NOT ALONE too.

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When a song reminds you of a special feeling

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I don’t know about you but I have many songs that remind me of very special moments. Yet, the song “If I ain’t got you” by Alicia Keys is one of my favorite songs, because it reminds me the hard times me and my husband had to pass to be together.

We both share histories from our past. His one is a sad one, whereas mine is a troubled one. And in fact if we analyze how we got together, it was our histories that connected us. Both of our problems/sadness began at the same time, and somehow we needed to be together (we were colleagues and friends before we got together).

It was a night in spring 2009 when I went out for a drink, and there was live music. I was at my parent’s house who live in another city. I don’t know why but the singer sang more than three times this song, and somehow I couldn’t stop thinking on him (now my husband). I could clearly say it was exactly that night I became aware that my feelings towards him had changed. Somehow all I wanted was to be with him, not only that night but forever afterwards. I remember we exchanged some messages but I can’t remember exactly what. I went to sleep thinking on him.

The next morning I was drinking coffee with my family when the doorbell rang… and when I opened the door it was him. I was shivering and was ready to explode in tears and kiss him right there in front of everyone, but I had to calm myself because we firstly never talked about us and secondly my family was against me getting involved in any relationship, especially because I still didn’t officially break-up with my ex-boyfriend to whom I was also engaged (which means our families had a history together) – although we were not seeing each other for over a year.

Nevertheless, I remember me and my ‘friend’ (now my husband) went out and spent the day together. If you ask me what we did, where we went or what we talked I can barely tell you anything, because I was way too emotional to pay attention. However, for me that day still remains one of the best and happiest days of my life. All I can say and remember is that ‘that particular day’ marks the beginning of our love story, not because we kissed or talked anything about us, but because we both felt the love.

My husband remains one of the most important people in my life. I’m the happiest and luckiest girl to have met him and be with him. He will forever be my place of calm. There’s no way in the world through which I can truly express my love for him, but I know he can feel it and that makes me happy.

And as the song says:


Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, yeah

Differences between first and second pregnancy

I’m sure this article will be interesting only to the ones who are pregnant for the second time, and probably you have already read too many articles related to the differences between first and second pregnancy. But today I won’t be talking about theoretical lessons you read on professional articles, contrary I will tell my experience – which might be yours tomorrow.

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My first pregnancy was totally different. Everything was unknown, new and no matter how much I was reading everything seemed surprising. My relation with my partner only got stronger. We were both very exciting.

Hopefully I never had health problems. Contrary I was very energetic and felt heathy. My only problem was that I was a bit nervous during entire pregnancy, but otherwise everything was perfect. I was working full time and finishing my master classes in the evening. My daughter seems very comfortable inside me and she didn’t even take a step forward to get ready for the outside world, she was position horizontally, with her head on my left side and legs on my right side. No pressure whatsoever down in my pelvic are or up on my ribs. I was comfortable too – sitting, walking, moving, sleeping, and eating. I entered my 42nd week of pregnancy when I and my doctor decided for C-section, because my daughter was weighting 4.5 kg and it was becoming already unhealthy for her to continue staying in the womb.

Although as soon as she came out everything what seemed happy and nice got destroyed because she was very crying baby and I had to start working after 5 weeks of delivery, nonetheless, that’s topic for another article.

Today I will tell you my entire journey with my second pregnancy, up to date (Today I’m 32 weeks and 3 day pregnant). Firstly I had problems with my menstruation so I set an appointment to the doctor and it was there I understood I was pregnant (although my test were showing negative results). Of course I was happy and comfortable so I had two weddings in the upcoming months and I thought I’m more experienced now, plus my pregnancy will be as good as the first one, so I was not very careful with myself – by dancing and standing a lot – which resulted with bloodshed, which market also the beginning of a more complicated pregnancy. Although I must admit I have heard of much more complicated pregnancies, for me it was very tiring especially because I had a daughter I had to take care.

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Firstly my blood pressure is most of the time very low, which makes me tired sleepy and sometimes often feel like I might fall. I was vomiting, had short-breaths since the beginning, heartburns, head-aches, bone aches and on and on. Now that I approached the ending I feel like I can’t take it anymore. On top of all these, my baby’s position is head-down (which is good I know), but it makes terrible pressure on my pelvic area as well as on my ribs (with his little legs moving all the time). I feel very uncomfortable sitting, sleeping and especially walking (because I have a feeling my baby is coming out all the time). The only positive thing about my second pregnancy was that after all these complication (and many other I didn’t mentioned) I feel happy, very calm and not nervous at all (contrary I feel I have too much love to spread to the entire world).

Sometimes I believe that even if my second pregnancy was as good as the first one, it would still be different because I am more older, more tired, I don’t have as much time myself as I used to have because I have a child who has needs only I can fulfill. But no matter all these, I still feel the happiest mom on earth because I have a healthy and happy family which is growing. My children will grow surrounded by love and happiness and that’s priceless.

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Your life priorities and people’s judgments

Tonight I’m going out with my girls from work. I award myself every month to go out with my girls, sometimes twice a months, and once a month I go out alone with my hubby. Sometimes I also go out for a short coffee with my friends after the work – so it’s not like I don’t go out without my daughter, but still when I look at my friends it seems like I go out very rare.

Usually when I go out I’m very excited because it’s fun-time for me, without having to worry if my girl will fall or embarrass me somehow. But, tonight I’m not so excited.   Usually I go out with the ones I feel comfortable with, whereas tonight there are also friends I really don’t enjoy being around. In other cases I wouldn’t go out, but tonight I decided I will because I don’t wanna be the party-breaker.

I don’t know how it is in your country but in Kosovo going out means you HAVE to look astonishing. Trust me, girls pay special make-up artists and hair-dressers just to look pretty. Appearance is one of the most important things in here – everything should be fashionable and amazing.

I personally finished my grad-studies in Slovenia, where people are simple (like in most part of the world – at least the ones I travelled to – including some states in USA). They look clean, fresh and that’s it. So somehow that is how I became. To me feeling fresh, clean and comfortable is the most important thing. But as I said that’s not how people value you in Kosovo, so I often get judged because of this attribute. My friends accepted me the way I am but I now not everybody does, so tonight I’ll go out with girls who firstly will look goddess, and second will judge me for my appearance.

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I’m not a very rich person. I’m not complaining because my life is above the average life of the people living in Kosovo, but I don’t have money to through away. Spending money on unnecessary and expensive cloths is not something I can afford. I can if I want to, but then I have to give up on something else like going out on weekends with my family, and this is something I would NEVER give up for cloths. I’m not saying I’m right, it is just the way I prioritize my things.

Sometimes I try not to worry about people’s opinion and live my life carefree just like I am, but some other times I can’t close my eyes, because when people stare at you it just doesn’t feel good.  Tonight is one of these night (although they are very rare) when I don’t feel good, and yet I chose to go out. I will always chose feeling bad over giving up because I want to let the others know that I am happy the way I am, I have a healthy and happy family and to me that is the most precious thing in life.

What to read when expecting

Expecting a baby is one of the most mixed feelings in the world. You feel very happy (especially if you are expecting for the first time) and in love with your unborn baby, but at the same time fatigue, food aversions or cravings, nausea with(out) vomiting, frequent urination, heartburn, up to uncomfortable baby kicks and moves by the third trimester make you feel tired, unhappy and sometimes depressed.

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Reading books while pregnant has helped me overcome some of the negative aspects of pregnancy, because first of all you will understand you’re not the only one who doesn’t feel all the time comfy and happy for having a baby in your tommy.  Most woman read book such as general guidelines and/or roadmap to a healthy delivery, healthy pregnancy and breastfeeding. But there are also other amazing book to be read especially if you belong to the world of problems with pregnancy. Some of the books I would suggest are:

  • Pregnancy Sucks: What to do when your miracle makes you miserable by Joanne Kimes, and Leslie Young
  • The Panic-Free Pregnancy: An OB-GYN Separates Fact from Fiction on Food, Exercise, Travel, Pets, Coffee, Medications, and Concerns You Have When You Are Expecting by Michael Broder
  • Let’s Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain, … Turn You into a Worthwhile Human Being by and Eden M. Kennedy
  • Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth about Pregnancy and Childbirth by Jenny McCarthy

The latest book I read was ‘Do Chocolate Lovers Have Sweeter Babies?: The Surprising Science of Pregnancy’ by Jena Pincot, an amazing book full of interesting facts I would say. No matter how funny and not serious its title it might sound, in fact the book is full of fact and science. It helps you understand some issues much better such as: Why pregnancy woman see more vivid dreams, How exercising during pregnancy makes babies much smarter (also listening to Mozart), How our emotions (happiness and stress) are transmitted to our babies – and How our emotions effect girl vs. boy fetuses, It also explains that Having more sex with the baby’s father before and during pregnancy may prevent preeclampsia, How chocolate consumption during pregnancy is associated with babies with better temperament, Etc.

There are tons of great pregnancy books, but there are also many worthless ones, however what is interesting for me might not be interesting for you, and sometimes it depends on your mood, so if you feel like not reading a book while pregnant don’t do it. But, also never forget that reading always makes you feel more prepared and not alone.

On National Husband’s Day

To the best husband in the world:

There is a picture that sits on the corner of my desk at work.  It is almost half a decade old and yet hypnotizes me anew with each glance.

The background of the image is a bit messy, and clearly, the background is not what draws me in every time I look at it.

It is your face…

The face of a man who chooses to overlook my flaws each and every day.  The smile of a man who continuously encourages me to become the best version of myself.

The man with the cutest ears.  The same ears that have been there to listen to me fully and intently for longer than I can remember.  His large hands cradle my small ones with tenderness and an acknowledgement that one of his greatest strengths is his gentleness.

The man with the most beautiful nose I’ve ever seen, the one that our daughter has inherited. The same nose that I love to kiss caringly.

Your love for me is real.  No one looking at this photo would miss that.  But what I see every day when I glance up from my desk are your eyes.  Those beautiful, green-peaceful eyes, looking me straight in the eyes with laugh – as you always love to surround me with love and happiness – each single day.

Looking into your eyes, I see grace.  Sometimes I am working so hard I can’t really take time and enjoy your presence, but you still don’t seem to mind. You still keep smiling at me with love.

When I allow to-do lists and work consume my day and forget momentarily that the best use of my time is that which focuses on my family, faith, and community, you always remind me gently how appreciative I should be.  Grace.

When I have a challenging day and collapse into your arms with tears streaming down my face, you’re always there to hold me for as long as I need. Grace.

What I see when I look into your eyes my dear I see is love, respect, honor and adoration.  Your humility shines through illuminating all else.  But above all things, when I look into your eyes, I see grace.  Enough for today.  More than enough for tomorrow.

Thank you for being you and sticking around.. Thank you for never getting tired to look in my eyes with the deepest love and admiration.

I love you more than I know to explain you how much I do… Happy Husband’s Day my Love..

Yours forever,

Wiffy

P.S. Here’s a certificate of appreciation for you my love, for honoring your love, kindness and sacrifice you do for me and our angel. A certificate for being the best husband in the world.. A certificate of love 🙂

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Feeling guilty

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There was a time when I was in a relationship, in which I was never fully happy, but yet I loved the person I was with. I can’t say I was in love, not at all, but I did love him.. as a friend maybe, or as someone I was used to share my life with, I don’t know exactly.. I just know I loved him and he was very special to me.

Nevertheless, there was a time I realized I didn’t want to continue like this anymore. I loved him, but not enough to spend the rest of my life with him. I loved him but not enough to create my family with him.. I loved him but not enough to never cheat on him.. so I decided to quit this relationship. No matter how painful it might have been for all of us: me – him, our families and friends, this was my final decision and I stuck to it. Today, when I look back in time, I never regret honestly, but I always feel a bit guilty..

I feel guilty for his pain.. I feel guilty for prolonging so many years a decision I always knew I will make.. I feel guilty for breaking so many hearts..

Not long after our split, his mother who loved me and the idea of us, got sick and not long after she died, and I feel guilty for it. It might not have been because of me, but yet I feel guilty.

I feel guilty for him not being able to finish his studies, because I was his pusher, his motivater, and suddenly I left him in the middle of the cross-road with lots of traffic.

Two years ago he got married, and I was happy, but then I heard they can’t have a child, and I feel guilty for it. Was it because of me that he got drunk and high for so many times, that today he can’t have children.. I don’t know for sure, but still I feel very much guilty..

Yesterday, I was told, he became a drug dealer, and my heart was broken into a million pieces.. Was it because of me?

I feel guilty for everything.. Some people are saying I don’t have to be, because he was smart enough to choose his path, but I can’t be so calm, because I know if we were together he would haven been better.. he would continue to be a good person that everyone loved to hang with.. he would be a happy person trying for his success.. but on the other hand I also know I personally would never be happy.. I would be dying inside every time I would look at us. I would be making sins instead of him.. and I chose me.. I was selfish I know…and  I feel guilty for it, but what’s even worse, I would chose me and my current life all over again