Tag Archives: jealousy

When nobody believes in you – Changes you never thought you would see

My husband is the dearest person for me. He is sweet, kind and respects me. But he is not also an easy person to deal with. He is lazy and picky – especially when it comes to food.

We are together for 6 and a half years, and almost 5 years married. During entire this time I tried to convince him to start eating healthier food, quit smoking, sleeping earlier and engage himself with a sport/fitness.

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It was only last year (2015) when we started to have this talk seriously – and not because I was more serious but because he was listening to me more seriously. By the end of the year he said my resolution for 2016 is to start eating healthier, quit smoking and start running and playing basketball. Of course I was happy but not as much as I would expect myself to be. Why? – because I didn’t believe him. Not that I don’t believe what he says but because he was promising me to start a new life and leave behind his life he really loves. He enjoy eating hamburgers – he never even tried vegie – food because he said “vegetables are tasteless – they taste like grass”. Cigarettes are his toys, his moment of calm – and I never imagined him quitting. As per exercises I didn’t even tried to really ask him, because he is so lazy he even goes to buy bread with car in a bakery which is 2 min -walk away from our apartment.

It was January 2016, just after New Year party when he woke up in the morning and said I want omelet with vegetables. WHAT? – Was I hearing him correctly?  – Cook us something healthy today and tonight I’m starting to run.. “Cmon honey why don’t you wait for the snow to melt first, how you’re going to run in the snow?” – was my question. ‘Rudina, I gave a promise to myself and you and there’s nothing stopping me. If I start finding excuses  -oh trust me I will find everyday an excuse and will never make any progress, so instead of pushing me back on my goals I need your full support. And if you ever see me quitting you need to promise me you will push me forward’ – “Woaw” this was all I could think and say.

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I consider myself stubborn and goal oriented but seeing my husband talking and acting differently just in one single day I really mean WOAW – that was surprising as hell. For one month and a half since that day he in fact taught me and showed me that I’m not even close to being stubborn and goal oriented.

I’m really proud of him! – He did it on his own everything he did until today and seeing him all happy and newly-born I don’t think he will ever step back. When nobody believed in him – including myself – he moved on  – looking back to us with a smile of achievement in his face. Now I know he will never give up because he passed the hardest part of his journey. The only thing he left behind is jealousy. I will give birth hopefully by the end of March and then I need to start following him in his path otherwise I will die from the jealousy – Just kiddingJ.. I’m really, really, really proud of him!

Photo-via-@millionairenotes-•If-you-dont-believe-in-yourself-no-one-else-will.-Always-have-faith-i

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ARRIVAL OF A NEW SIBLING

Today I entered my 28 week of pregnancy, or as we would like to hear it in Kosovo, I just entered my 7 months of pregnancy.

My second pregnancy is totally different from my first one, I feel more tired, extremely breath-less, and very sleepy. Yet, this is not my concern, although I have at least 2 full months ahead of me, which will be even worse. My problems is my daughter, or better say how to prepare her for her new rival coming soon.

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Yes I’ve read hundreds of articles, I’m talking to her, I’m preparing her, I’m even engaging her in every little activity so she can feel prepared and accomplished that she is the older sister and she will be his guide, his protecting angel and his friend. But yet I feel kind of sorry for her. Yes sorry, because I know my attention will not be 100% towards her. She will be often left aside (especially if her brother comes out to be as crying and demanding baby as she was). She will be left aside not because I would like to, or I will love my second child more, but because the crying baby, who doesn’t know to speak and tell me what is bothering him, will need my attention, my effort, my hand and my time. She will be left aside because no matter how much dedication and time we will give her, other people will be more enthusiastic towards the new baby than her – and this is something I can’t control.

I was 18 years old when my niece arrived. Being the youngest in my family I had the entire attention on me, people loved me the most, and I was as spoiled as you can imagine. Suddenly, at 18 years old, no one cared for me anymore. My niece was in the center of attention, including my attention, but yet it didn’t feel fair to me. I was jealous for my sister who suddenly forgot to kiss me, and who never laid her eyes on me anymore… and yes I was 18 years old – old enough to understand and feel ashamed of what I was feeling at that time. I’m 30 years old now, and I can still feel the pain I felt back then, I can see myself struggling to pass through the ‘loss of attention and love’ of my most loved ones. Having this in mind I’m terrified for my daughter.

I know there’s no formula what can work the best, and I will keep engaging her in everything, not only now even afterwards, because I know how hard it is for her to accept that her most loving people (me and her dad) suddenly will share her with someone else. I once read that in order to imagine how painful it is for a child to accept the arrival of a new sibling is to imagine that your partner announces you suddenly that “hey hun’ you’re so loving and adorable I decided to get married again and bring another partner to live with us”. I’m trying to teach my daughter that the new baby doesn’t mean we will share her with someone else –because we won’t. Contrary, the new baby will mean ‘bringing us closer’. She is my first love, my angel and my friend, and she will always be so. I need her and her hand to raise the baby and I will let her understand how important and precious her role is, although still deep -deep inside I know the reality, how she will feel, and what she will be going through. I’m fully aware of the ugly truth, and this hurts me, no matter how happy I am that my second miracle of love and happiness is on the way.

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